ScotchSquatch

My lord, I knew there was in-breeding in the Amish community but holy shit. To end up looking like this it takes generations and generations of ONLY fucking your siblings. These four guys look like they were put together with spare parts. Now I love what they did. They got a little day drunk in… Continue reading

I’m going to open this up by letting you know I’ve never wrapped a gift before. Even back when I was just a little Scotchsquatch, wrapping gifts seemed tedious and time wasting. Everything always went in a gift bag. Well now I’ve got a niece and a nephew and I’ve been tasked with wrapping my… Continue reading

Women of California, your prayers have finally been answered as thousands and thousands of dick shaped fish washed upon the shore of Drakes Beach, California. These DickFish were found strewn about the beach like the living room in a sorority house where everyone got dumped all at once. Sure these dickfish that washed ashore can’t… Continue reading

I too have been dreaming of a white Christmas. Walmart has been getting some heat lately over a drug reference on a Santa sweater. This is especially shocking coming from Walmart, a store that has check out lines exclusively for people hopped up on bath salts where the aisle walls are padded. I mean, if… Continue reading

Dear Restaurants, Hello, how are you? I am well thank you. Great now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries I can be blunt; why the fuck have you stopped using plates? They make all different kinds of plates. Round. Square. Ribbed for her pleasure, probably. My point is this: no one wants to eat off whatever dumb… Continue reading

The esteemed Judge Carlisle Greaves was residing over a murder trial in the Bahamas when he was struck with sudden horniness. As someone who routinely suffers from chronic horniness, this is way too relatable. Let’s break this thing down so I can quickly prove to you folks (the jury) why the honorable Judge Carlisle didn’t… Continue reading

I feel like it’s my job, as the premiere social commenter to decide when things are done and when they’re just getting good. I’ve nailed the last few. I knew exactly when JNCO jeans stopped being cool, I just decided to wear them an extra year as a goof. And I nailed it when earrings… Continue reading

Next time you’re having a rough day, remember the hell Heidi went through that one fateful day while she perused the Hollywood walk of fame. There she was, just minding her own business, taking pictures of Drew Carey’s star and handprints when SPLAT! Hot diarrhea right to the face. It’s a tale as old as… Continue reading

When most people hear the word hero they think of one thing: A soldier. And rightfully so. But imagine a new kind of hero. A hero that fights for freedom right here at home. For a long time, as long as I can remember, the image of a female breast has long been censored, while… Continue reading

Halloween candy, much like people, are not all created equally. I should probably clarify that- that isn’t a racial joke, but more of a joke about there being so many fucking morons out there who probably shouldn’t count as real people. Anyway, there is a lot of dog shit candy out there, so let this… Continue reading