My lord, I knew there was in-breeding in the Amish community but holy shit. To end up looking like this it takes generations and generations of ONLY fucking your siblings. These four guys look like they were put together with spare parts.

Now I love what they did. They got a little day drunk in their barn or whatever and decided to take a joy ride in their buggy. No harm no foul. I’m all for drunken buggy riding. Still though, these are some interesting looking dudes so I’m going to have to roast the brakes off them.

Now you might be saying, Scotchsquatch, it’s so mean to comment on someone’s looks, especially when you’re so handsome. And that’s fair, but the Amish don’t count. You can be as mean to them as you want online, they’re never going to read it. And if they do they’re going to end up in Amish hell for touching a computer. So no harm no foul.

Let’s start with the guy on the left, let’s call him Bough (pronounced Bo). Bough’s ambivalence towards being arrested and taking this mug shot is mostly in part to he knows that if he’s in jail he won’t have to raise any barns or fuck his sister. His bangs and overall sadness lead me to believe he doesn’t have the best home life. I bet his house only has one chair.

Next over we’ve got Clod. Clod looks like he was put together with oversized parts. Now you think that would make him look normal, just big, but it somehow makes every single part of him look too big. Clod is gigantic because up until now his family couldn’t afford horses so they made him and his sister pull the plows. And as you can tell by his looks, they aren’t the first set of siblings to do some plowing in that branch-less family tree.

To the right of Clod, we’ve got Dorph and his FLAWLESS bangs. I mean my lord, I’ve never seen prettier bangs in my whole life. Now Dorphs hobbies include shoveling shit, milking the boy cows, and watching people go toilet. Dorph looks like if Lord Farquaad from Shrek had something really wrong with him.

Squiggy, the gentleman all the way on the right, 100 percent cuts his own hair in the dark. I mean, Jesus Christ, how does your sister-wife let you leave the house like that? Have just an ounce of dignity for me. Please.

Either way, cheers to you four, you donkey-faced Amish morons, hope you weren’t too hungover to churn some butter the next morning.