The ScotchSquatch

If New Jersey is the armpit of America, I think we can all agree Florida is the asshole. If DeSantis wants to get rid of all this garbage seaweed, he should just start telling people it pairs nicely with the white cans of Monster Energy, the universal drink of scumbags.

But instead I’m sure all he’ll do is block books containing the words ‘seaweed’ and ‘blob’. And before you call me a liberal soy boy cuck snowflake for making that joke, just know I make fun of both sides, don’t be a puss. I make fun of Biden too for being a worthless bag of bones and Trump for looking like an Orange Gatorade with Zach Morris hair. I hate everyone, I promise.

But now back to Florida.

As if the people of Florida didn’t stink enough, they’re going to have almost 5,000 miles of seaweed flooding it’s Gulf Coast as it ferments in the hot hot Caribbean heat, mon!

I hope the great citizens of Florida are able to make Lemonaid out of AIDs again, and somehow use this seaweed for good. Like I don’t know, maybe make it into a drug or something. Can’t you see a bunch of kids in orange UF shirts smoking fermented seaweed in a Publix parking lot? While they chug cans of the white Monster energy drink.

I’d like to replace the worst television doctor since Dr. Huxtable, I mean of course, Dr. Phil.

Multiple people have come forward who have worked for Dr. Phil in the past who claim that there is a toxic work environment. That he allegedly bullies people, manipulates guests, treats guests unethically, and promotes racism. Who would have thought that someone that looks and sounds like Dr. Phil would be a racist… He looks like he says the N word on a regular basis and not just when he’s singing a Kendrick Lamar song in the car all by himself.

Let’s start with our qualifications.

Dr. Phil has a doctorate from The University of Northern Texas in psychology. I have an honorary doctorate of Theology from the Universal Life Church website that cost me 47 dollars. Like most people, I’ve never heard of the University of Northern Texas. I have however heard of the Universal Life Church.

That’s a point for me.

Now let’s talk in terms of morality. For years “Dr” Phil has been exploiting and taking advantage of morons under the guise of “helping them address their problems” or whatever bull shit he feeds to the trash people that go on his show. And he does this for millions of dollars a year.

Now what have I done? I give blood regularly, I hold the door for people most of the time, I helped that one guy push his car out of the road two years ago in the rain, and most recently- I volunteered my time helping a local business run their social media page.

Another point for ya boy. That’s 2 to nothing for all of you math majors out there.

I don’t want to alienate all of my fans in the south, but Dr. Phil sounds like a fucking idiot. Not all southern accents sound stupid, but his really does. He sounds like a mud farmer from West Texas.

Whereas I sound like if Seth Rogan wasn’t of Jewish descent and he gargled with scotch every morning, like a fucking American.

That puts us at 3-0 with the Squatch coming out on top.

Listen I can keep going with a million reasons as to why I should replace Dr Phil. But if you read this website on a regular basis, you know in your heart I would do a better job that that doorknob with a mustache.

Please sign my petition so I can replace Dr. Phil: The Petition

And it’s probably not what you think.

My fucking man! Looking sharped dressed in what I assume Wyatt Earp would have worn if he was born in Italy.

This dudes gonna be picking moth balls out of his mouth all the way to Ibiza.

Slinging dick to a 76 year old woman is probably easier than filling out financial aid paperwork these days. I wouldn’t know though- I went to college on a scholarship because I’m smart and handsome.

Listen, maybe they are in love, and they can overcome their 57 year age gap. Or maybe this kid just wants a few free vacations and is interested in learning about the Korean war.

The kid in question, Guiseppe D’Anna, 19, and his fiancé, whose name I couldn’t find- so we’ll just call her BagOfMilk, haven’t set a day yet- but I would urge them to set it for sooner rather than later.

The nice thing about dating someone in their late 70’s is that you don’t have to remember very many friends names. I know that has always been an issue for me in the past. Most of the time when people are being introduced to me I’m not actually listening, I’m busy crafting insults tailored for them in the chance that they say something rude to me that night. I am always ready.

Honestly though, I’m happy for this 76 year old. She gets to get stuffed like manicotti by some little Italian hunk deep into her golden years.

It all started like most of my ideas, with me being a little drunk and a little stoned. My friend had casually mentioned to me that the new Panera Bread was set to open soon, but when he went to check when they would open, there was no answer, as they had no social media page.

In the year 2023, not having a social media account for your business is as dumb as being closed on Sundays (fuck you chick-fil-a).

So like any other rational adult, I hopped on Instagram and made them a page. Here is the proof:

They weren’t actually open at 5:30am, they open at 6am. But anyone who wants to eat Panera Bread at 5:30am deserves to wait 30 minutes.

This was taken about two weeks before my account finally got suspended for dunking on some kid who tried to talk shit on Panera Bread, but we’ll get to that later.

So anyway, what did I do with my new found power? I posted daily super grainy pictures of Panera Bread food that I found on Google.

I would take a screenshot of the thumbnail on Google. Then I would take another screen shot of this but with the picture zoomed out:

So by the time I uploaded it, it looked like it was taken on a Nokia Potato.

I think maybe five of my friends knew about this. I had to keep my circle small so word wouldn’t get out. I thought I’d be able to get to at least a thousand followers- but that’s when I got bored and decided to get a little weird with it.

And that is when I did my first giveaway. I did one of those, share this and tag three friends kinda posts. I think the winner got a free loaf of bread.

If you look at the post above this one, it looks like one of those posts where you click “more” and it expands to a longer post. But it didn’t. I just typed, “…more”. So people would click on it over and over again, but nothing would expand.

Anyway, speaking of bread, shoutout to the super blurry PB employee I found on Google:

I was ‘accidentally order from two food delivery services’ stoned when I decided to create, Mike “Dollop” Hurnberger. Having the word Dollop as a middle name still makes me laugh. He is the bread manager. Not the baker. The bread manager. And no one questioned anything. Not even the fact his nickname was Dollop. This post proceeded to get like 30 likes.

I was even nice enough to work on getting them some catering gigs. I for one, know that I popped a tub of salad on NYE.

After running the page another week I decided it was time to get into a friendly feud. I aimed my sights across the parking lot at the Chic-Fil-A.

Shots were officially fired. The tea was dumped in the river or whatever. I was ready for war. I think someone commented on it and called me mean. I didn’t get a chance to screenshot everything. They don’t warn you before your page gets taken down.

Like with everything in life, I thought I had more time. Here is the post that I think got the page taken down. I posted this on a Sunday.

The post itself was maybe pushing it. But I really wanted Chic-Fil-A to respond. I thought at the very least they would call me the ‘F’ word.

But when some kid decided to post something hurtful, I had to do some punching down. I’m sorry, but don’t post a picture of you holding a second place trophy like you’re a winner and then talk shit to someone online.

Anyway, my time running the Manahawkin Panera Bread Instagram was fun and I’ll miss it forever.

RIP in peace manahawkinpanerabread IG.

This was a big year for important people dying.

For some reason, whenever a celebrity death occurs they always say that the person “passed away peacefully at home surrounded by friends and family.”

Sounds beautiful, right?

I mean, honestly, I don’t know. Hear me out.

Want to know when I want to be surrounded by friends and family? My birthday. New Years Eve maybe. Not when I’m dying. I don’t want all those people around me. My friends are too funny. I want all the attention on me. And I certainly don’t want people laughing.

My friends can’t shut the fuck up either. I don’t want side conversations while I’m in the middle of dying. And I don’t want to die in the middle of someone telling a story.

HOW DOES IT END? WHAT HAPPENED WITH CAROL FROM WORK?

Now when I die… when I die I want to be surrounded by absolute total strangers. Just pull a few people off the street, send em right into my room. Don’t tell them why they’re coming in either. Be like, “hey get in here” then lock the door on them so they’re stuck. And I’ll be like, “welcome to watching me die folks, it could be a few minutes or it could be a day or two, either way, buckle up, I’ve got a lot of stuff to come clean about.”

Or maybe I’ll just pick one friend I’m not all that close with and have them be by my side while I’m dying. It’ll be sort of like Brian’s Song, but not nearly as gay.

Anyway, let’s get to the celebrities that died this year that I feel like talking about, my Mount Rushmore of 2022 Celebrity deaths, if you will. This is obviously not all of the celebrities that died- Mt. Rushmore only has four faces, so that’s all I can pick. I don’t make the rules here people.

Obviously we’re going to start with my guy Coolio.

I’ve spent most of my life confusing Coolio with Busta Rhyhmes, but I will not be doing that here, I’m better than that. Coolio rose to fame when the movie Dangerous Minds came out, starring a smoking hot Michelle Pfeiffer, and featuring his song, Gangster’s Paradise.

But more importantly, Coolio had maybe one of the worst haircuts of all time, paired with that little thin mustache I love so much- he was perfect.

RIP in peace Coolio, hope you’re up there in the real gangsters paradise.

Queen Elizabeth also finally died.

Now I’m not using finally because I’m happy it happened. It’s just that she was one thousand years old, and it was bound to happen. No one is suspecting foul play. But if you do want to suspect it, look no further than her creepy son who gets to play dress up now and act important.

Which brings me to my next point, did anyone have an easier life than the Queen and her shit family? Like they don’t make any real decisions, they’re legit just figureheads who have to make public appearances and pretend to matter. And what money do they survive off of? The Sovereign Grant- paid for with tax dollars- or whatever their stupid currency is called- to the tune of about 120 million a year (US Dollars).

Imagine if we had to pay people our hard earned tax dollars to pretend like they care and make pretend decisions? Boy, I bet we would be livid.

That brings me to someone who earned every penny he had. With each swing of his mighty mallet, he covered his fans with watermelon and tears from laughter. I’m talking about, of course, Gallagher.

He mesmerized fans all over the world by placing an item onto the podium, saying a few words, and then smashing the fuck out of it. Watermelons was the closer, but he also smashed things like alarm clocks, salads, figurines, plates, you name it- Gallagher probably smashed it. He was truly ahead of his time.

RIP in peace king, gone but never 4gotten.

Next and closing out this Mt. Rushmore of dead celebs, is the one the only Kristie Alley. Not only was I a HUGE fan of cheers, but she is in one of the most important movies I’ve ever seen.

I’ll never forget when I first watched the modern cinematic masterpiece that is Look Who’s Talking. Listening to the dialogue, watching the story unfold, that’s when I knew I could make it as a writer. Because the fact that- that corn filled hunk of dog shit of a movie was popular enough to get a sequel- gave me the confidence I needed to start writing shitty books.

May all of the celebrities who died this year rest in peace. But most importantly these four.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

So I totally understand the whole “we can do anything” movement- but I think it’s time we say enough is enough. And that’s totally fine. I grew up wanting to be a horse jockey. Unfortunately I’m 6’6″ and built like an Adonis- so it wasn’t in the cards for me- we all have shortcomings. And that’s fine.

I think it’s about time we as a culture start realizing that if there is something wrong with you- you can’t do everything. And that’s fine. You are probably better than other people at other things. Like let’s take for instance this blindo woman. She can’t see. That really stinks for her. But, not having sight has probably made her sense of smell super heightened. So the things that smell good to you- probably smell terrific to her. But sense of smell will not help you fly an airplane. What will help you is if when you were a kid you logged over 100 hours on Microsoft Flight Simulator. Now I- I could fly a plane across the country with zero fucking issue. I used to land planes on the air craft carriers all the time in Microsoft Flight Simulator.

Put me in the plane with zero training by myself- and I make it from one airport to another with zero issue. Put this woman in a Shop Rite she’s never been in and I bet she’s there for a few days.

So apparently she is going to have a co-pilot with her who CAN see. If that co-pilot touches the yoke (that’s what we call it in the flying world- you wouldn’t get it) one fucking time, this shouldn’t count. Honestly if he does anything except for clutch the parachute he’s obviously going to be wearing- this shouldn’t count.

Be on the look out for a blog next week titled: Blindo smashes into building quarter mile from airport: An Investigative Report.

“First they don’t give out unlimited chowder samples, then they cancel it all together? What are these people thinking?” The man shouted while being treated for two broken legs at Southern Ocean County Medical Center.

This years Chowderfest was postponed two weeks as tropical storm Ian flooded the area.

“I look forward all year to being served luke warm chowder out of a 1.5 ounce plastic cup. And now I’m being told that’s just not a possibility anymore.” The unnamed man was quoted as saying while doctors realigned his femur.

Legions of chowderholics took to the internet this weekend, blasting the free festival that raises money every year for scholarships and a few other non profit organizations- for not being the exact festival that they had in mind.

“Maybe we’ll start our own chowder festival!” One of them boasted on a local community Facebook page.

Please do. I look forward to slurping down cold chowder out of a Dixie cup while standing in your living room, you fucking lunatic. It’s soup. Calm the fuck down.

It’s such a more fun event now anyway- with it being centered around blacking out and listening to music. You can still get chowder mind you, you just pay for it like an adult- and you’re given a real serving of it too. I still can’t believe people would pay like $40 to wait on a line for thimbles of chowder like fucking animals.

The final scaffolding has been removed from the Lighthouse this morning, revealing what will be referred to as the greatest tragedy this area has ever seen. The person in charge of painting the famous Barnegat Lighthouse accidentally flipped the paint scheme, painting red on the bottom and white on the top.

How could this have happened?

“They just weren’t really that clear of instructions.” Russ, from Russ’s Painting told reporters earlier Wednesday morning. “But don’t worry, I will be done re-painting this by Chowderfest. Chowderfest 2023.” When asked about the delay Russ responded with, “Do you have any idea how much paint it takes to paint a lighthouse?”

To say the local community is outraged is an understatement. One woman was quoted as saying, “Old Barney is a part of our family, and not being able to see him for a second year in a row will absolutely destroy us.” She sighed, “My family will never recover from this.”

There will be a support group meeting every Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm in the St. Francis parking lot to help anyone going through a hard time because of this tragedy.

“We expect a lot of people to attend these support group meetings, so we had to have them twice a week.” The representative of St. Francis continued, “Think of all the people who rely on Old Barney as a place to take their children when it’s raining. Or the guys who don’t have original first date ideas. There are going to be a lot of upset people, we just want them to know they have a place in our parking lot to meet up and talk with people going through the same thing.”

Listen, I don’t want to seem like a bandwagoner, or like I’m just trying to get some internet clout- we all know that’s not what I’m all about. I have just about all of the internet clout a person could have.

But Adam Levine is finally being exposed for the scumbag he is, and I think the world needs to know about my interactions with Adam.

It all started when my unboxing videos took off- he very casually slid into my DMs one late afternoon, I think it was a Tuesday. Or maybe a Wednesday.

A few weeks later, I get a notification- which I do pretty frequently- sometimes multiple times per day, but this time it was Adam again.

That’s when the conversation took an unexpected turn:

Just for the record, I wasn’t trying to get fucked by the guy from Fun., although I’m sure that would be absolutely amazing. I just really like that one song they sing, Some Nights and I was hoping he could teach me it on the guitar.

Adam’s weirdness didn’t stop there.

At this point, I was just trying to get out of the conversation with him. He had made me uncomfortable a few times, but I figured hey, he’s probably just one of those super eccentric talented Hollywood types, like Roman Polanski or Jerry Seinfield.

This is when I realized I had to block him- it was getting relentless. And now he was involving Blake-it was all too much.

It’s a shame that celebrities think they can just do whatever they want all of the time. Well not on my watch Adam. It’s about time you were exposed for the sex pervert you are.