It all started like most of my ideas, with me being a little drunk and a little stoned. My friend had casually mentioned to me that the new Panera Bread was set to open soon, but when he went to check when they would open, there was no answer, as they had no social media page.
In the year 2023, not having a social media account for your business is as dumb as being closed on Sundays (fuck you chick-fil-a).
So like any other rational adult, I hopped on Instagram and made them a page. Here is the proof:
They weren’t actually open at 5:30am, they open at 6am. But anyone who wants to eat Panera Bread at 5:30am deserves to wait 30 minutes.
This was taken about two weeks before my account finally got suspended for dunking on some kid who tried to talk shit on Panera Bread, but we’ll get to that later.
So anyway, what did I do with my new found power? I posted daily super grainy pictures of Panera Bread food that I found on Google.
I would take a screenshot of the thumbnail on Google. Then I would take another screen shot of this but with the picture zoomed out:
So by the time I uploaded it, it looked like it was taken on a Nokia Potato.
I think maybe five of my friends knew about this. I had to keep my circle small so word wouldn’t get out. I thought I’d be able to get to at least a thousand followers- but that’s when I got bored and decided to get a little weird with it.
And that is when I did my first giveaway. I did one of those, share this and tag three friends kinda posts. I think the winner got a free loaf of bread.
If you look at the post above this one, it looks like one of those posts where you click “more” and it expands to a longer post. But it didn’t. I just typed, “…more”. So people would click on it over and over again, but nothing would expand.
Anyway, speaking of bread, shoutout to the super blurry PB employee I found on Google:
I was ‘accidentally order from two food delivery services’ stoned when I decided to create, Mike “Dollop” Hurnberger. Having the word Dollop as a middle name still makes me laugh. He is the bread manager. Not the baker. The bread manager. And no one questioned anything. Not even the fact his nickname was Dollop. This post proceeded to get like 30 likes.
I was even nice enough to work on getting them some catering gigs. I for one, know that I popped a tub of salad on NYE.
After running the page another week I decided it was time to get into a friendly feud. I aimed my sights across the parking lot at the Chic-Fil-A.
Shots were officially fired. The tea was dumped in the river or whatever. I was ready for war. I think someone commented on it and called me mean. I didn’t get a chance to screenshot everything. They don’t warn you before your page gets taken down.
Like with everything in life, I thought I had more time. Here is the post that I think got the page taken down. I posted this on a Sunday.
The post itself was maybe pushing it. But I really wanted Chic-Fil-A to respond. I thought at the very least they would call me the ‘F’ word.
But when some kid decided to post something hurtful, I had to do some punching down. I’m sorry, but don’t post a picture of you holding a second place trophy like you’re a winner and then talk shit to someone online.
Anyway, my time running the Manahawkin Panera Bread Instagram was fun and I’ll miss it forever.
RIP in peace manahawkinpanerabread IG.