This was a big year for important people dying.
For some reason, whenever a celebrity death occurs they always say that the person “passed away peacefully at home surrounded by friends and family.”
Sounds beautiful, right?
I mean, honestly, I don’t know. Hear me out.
Want to know when I want to be surrounded by friends and family? My birthday. New Years Eve maybe. Not when I’m dying. I don’t want all those people around me. My friends are too funny. I want all the attention on me. And I certainly don’t want people laughing.
My friends can’t shut the fuck up either. I don’t want side conversations while I’m in the middle of dying. And I don’t want to die in the middle of someone telling a story.
HOW DOES IT END? WHAT HAPPENED WITH CAROL FROM WORK?
Now when I die… when I die I want to be surrounded by absolute total strangers. Just pull a few people off the street, send em right into my room. Don’t tell them why they’re coming in either. Be like, “hey get in here” then lock the door on them so they’re stuck. And I’ll be like, “welcome to watching me die folks, it could be a few minutes or it could be a day or two, either way, buckle up, I’ve got a lot of stuff to come clean about.”
Or maybe I’ll just pick one friend I’m not all that close with and have them be by my side while I’m dying. It’ll be sort of like Brian’s Song, but not nearly as gay.
Anyway, let’s get to the celebrities that died this year that I feel like talking about, my Mount Rushmore of 2022 Celebrity deaths, if you will. This is obviously not all of the celebrities that died- Mt. Rushmore only has four faces, so that’s all I can pick. I don’t make the rules here people.
Obviously we’re going to start with my guy Coolio.
I’ve spent most of my life confusing Coolio with Busta Rhyhmes, but I will not be doing that here, I’m better than that. Coolio rose to fame when the movie Dangerous Minds came out, starring a smoking hot Michelle Pfeiffer, and featuring his song, Gangster’s Paradise.
But more importantly, Coolio had maybe one of the worst haircuts of all time, paired with that little thin mustache I love so much- he was perfect.
RIP in peace Coolio, hope you’re up there in the real gangsters paradise.
Queen Elizabeth also finally died.
Now I’m not using finally because I’m happy it happened. It’s just that she was one thousand years old, and it was bound to happen. No one is suspecting foul play. But if you do want to suspect it, look no further than her creepy son who gets to play dress up now and act important.
Which brings me to my next point, did anyone have an easier life than the Queen and her shit family? Like they don’t make any real decisions, they’re legit just figureheads who have to make public appearances and pretend to matter. And what money do they survive off of? The Sovereign Grant- paid for with tax dollars- or whatever their stupid currency is called- to the tune of about 120 million a year (US Dollars).
Imagine if we had to pay people our hard earned tax dollars to pretend like they care and make pretend decisions? Boy, I bet we would be livid.
That brings me to someone who earned every penny he had. With each swing of his mighty mallet, he covered his fans with watermelon and tears from laughter. I’m talking about, of course, Gallagher.
He mesmerized fans all over the world by placing an item onto the podium, saying a few words, and then smashing the fuck out of it. Watermelons was the closer, but he also smashed things like alarm clocks, salads, figurines, plates, you name it- Gallagher probably smashed it. He was truly ahead of his time.
RIP in peace king, gone but never 4gotten.
Next and closing out this Mt. Rushmore of dead celebs, is the one the only Kristie Alley. Not only was I a HUGE fan of cheers, but she is in one of the most important movies I’ve ever seen.
I’ll never forget when I first watched the modern cinematic masterpiece that is Look Who’s Talking. Listening to the dialogue, watching the story unfold, that’s when I knew I could make it as a writer. Because the fact that- that corn filled hunk of dog shit of a movie was popular enough to get a sequel- gave me the confidence I needed to start writing shitty books.
May all of the celebrities who died this year rest in peace. But most importantly these four.