ScotchSquatch

Everyone knows I’m a big history guy. I went to school to be a history teacher, and while that didn’t really pan out, I still love telling friends about horrifying world war 1 facts as well as any other awful historical event that I know will make their day just a tiny bit worse.

So, like the great guy I am, I wanted to do a little history lesson for you great folks, and no better place to start than here.

Having a history background as well as being the fashion icon that you all know, love and respect, I’m uniquely qualified to give you guys a quick history lesson on what I believe (know) are the cutest military costumes throughout history.

Since I’m a greasy Italian, we’re going to start off there. We’re kicking things off with the Italian Carabinieri, which is the name of their military police force. What a missed oppurtunity, they could have called themselves the Parmagarmy, after my favorite Italian cheese.

I know you were all expecting white tank tops and gold chains and pinky rings, but that’s Italian-Americans, specifically the New York and North Jersey breeds. These are a little fancier.

Red and blue fancy boy feathered hats, white tassels, bright red trim on their dark grey costumes, this might be as cute as it gets.

These uniforms were cute enough to secure fifth place.

Let’s move a little north of Italy and go to Spain, specifically the Spanish Foreign Legion:

How do you show up to battle with this much sex appeal? I’d get it if you were going after the late great Muammar Gaddafi’s elite lady soldiers and you had to do a little infiltration if you get what I’m saying, but these guys look like they’re going to a Moroccan fuck fest. And the baby blue blouses! There honestly might not be a cuter color than baby blue.

Honestly, these are way more sexy than cute, and for that, these cuties get the fourth place slot.

Anyway, off to merry ol’ England we go!

Obviously these cutie pies are on the list:

These cutie patooties are in charge of guarding England’s most valuable places, like Buckingham palace, and some other buildings and shit, but they do it all looking as adorable as can be. Long red blazers, with a matching red stripe down the pants- that’s all class. Now add a two foot tall bear skin hat into the mix, and that’s how you make the Scotchsquatch’s list of cutest military uniforms, which is obviously an honor.

These royal soldiers easily lock in the third place position.

Next were off to the land where the Swedish Chef hails from.

You know your uniform is cute when it remains relatively unchanged since the early 1500’s. These guys are dressed like the Medieval Times Knight that always gets killed in the first two minutes so you know who the bad guy is. Floofy battle helmets, long thick vertical stripes, white gloves, a big leather belt to make up how matchy everything is- my lord, the cuteness.

And there isn’t much cuter than their Renaissance-era weapons.

We’re heading back south to Italy’s neighbor, Greece. The home of democracy, philosophy, the Olympic games, and guys having intimate moments in bathhouses.

We have The Evzones, which are the elite ceremonial Presidential Guard of the Hellenic Army.

And elite they are:

I don’t even know where to start on this one, so let’s start at the bottom, these shoes with poofs on them. I don’t know how else to describe them, I just know they’re cute. Then we have perfectly white stockings, like my niece wore to her baptism. Double garters at the knees, like every day is your wedding day. Heading a little more north, and we get to what I can only describe as a puffy little skirt. Then we have the sleeves, and yes, these outfits are so cute they get multiple pics:

Nice wide sassy sleeves, that are absolutely meant to be worn dancing. Their vest, or as they call it, The Fermeli, is hand woven out of wool, making it cute and functional. And the hat, finally a full sized yarmulka. Their officers uniforms are honestly just as cute:

With the main differences being a fancier hat and these sleek Ronald McDonald boots.

And for these incredibly cute outfits, these little gyros get the coveted number one slot.

God bless and stay cute.