Women of California, your prayers have finally been answered as thousands and thousands of dick shaped fish washed upon the shore of Drakes Beach, California. These DickFish were found strewn about the beach like the living room in a sorority house where everyone got dumped all at once.

Sure these dickfish that washed ashore can’t buy you dinner or listen to you complain about your sister, but besides that, they seem like perfectly good dicks… That is until you take a closer look.

These are legit two-handers.

So much to the dismay of all the single women and gay dudes in California, these aren’t usable dicks. Turns out they are fish or worms or something. In the two minutes that I allotted myself to do research I found out that they are indeed a fish, but they’re called Fat Innkeeper Worms. So is it a fish or a worm? I don’t know much about science or animals and fish, but I am well versed in the Bible, and I don’t think you can be two things at once. And if fucking a dick shaped fish-worm is still in your wheelhouse, these look about as soft as soft dicks can get. You’d really just end up mashing it against your crotch.

The cause of it? A storm off the coast of California knocked all these bad boys loose from the mud where they eat and shit and do whatever the fuck cock-fish-worms do- I bet they’re pretty good at fucking off.