Cocaine Santa: A Walmart Debacle

I too have been dreaming of a white Christmas.

Walmart has been getting some heat lately over a drug reference on a Santa sweater. This is especially shocking coming from Walmart, a store that has check out lines exclusively for people hopped up on bath salts where the aisle walls are padded. I mean, if Walmart can’t make drug references who can? The last time I was in the Walmart parking lot was quite a few years back, but I watched a dude nod off in his car. Sure, maybe he just got done working the overnight shift, but realistically he probably just got done shooting drugs into the vein on the back of his dick. Also I should probably add that I wasn’t in the parking lot to go to Walmart, I was there buying weed edibles. Shoutout to Shitty Ricky for the gummy bear hookup.

Honestly, and I mean honestly, the most offense part in this is the face on the dude modeling the sweater. He looks like he’s a first year investment banker at some shitty Wall Street firm who wears super short Easter egg colored shorts in the summer with boat shoes and a polo shirt. He looks like he takes girls phones while they’re passed out and sends himself a text message giving sexual consent. A real genuine sleezebag.

Lets see what sweaters did make the cut on Walmart’s website:

First of, I’d like to give a quick Sup to the girl in this picture, as she is an absolute babe. Second, this sweater depicts a dirty pimp Santa with sunken in eyes yelling for his ho ho ho’s. So the use of cocaine is deemed offensive, but the exploitation of women and sex workers, that’s totally fine. I honestly want to make more jokes about this sweater, but I can’t get over how cute this girl is. Sure, I could blame it on my new found celibacy, and the fact that I’ve been all sorts of horny from that lately, but this girl is super cute. Maybe all of you folks out there in internet land can find out who she is so I can slide in her DMs and get rejected real quick. This sort of feels like that episode of The Office where Michael falls in love with the chair model, and then finds out she’s dead. I really hope this girl isn’t dead. I hope she’s alive and well and has SUPER low standards.

I’m going to end this here. Please go out and find my princess.




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