My Open Letter To Restaurants: Put It On A God Damn Plate

Dear Restaurants,

Hello, how are you? I am well thank you. Great now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries I can be blunt; why the fuck have you stopped using plates? They make all different kinds of plates. Round. Square. Ribbed for her pleasure, probably.

My point is this: no one wants to eat off whatever dumb thing you’re going to make us eat off of. After voicing my NEED to write this my friend pointed me in the direction of the subreddit We Want Plates. Where a ton of like minded people have shared their meals that not only didn’t come on plates, they sometimes didn’t come on anything… let’s take a look.

Imagine ordering a burrata and then the server walks up with a bowl in his hand and tells you to put your hand out, palm side down, and then he just dumps it down on your dumb hand. And then he makes you hold your hand held up while he garnishes it. I’d rather the server walk over and piss down my leg like a dog, because that’s less disrespectful than putting food on my hand and making me lick it. I’m not a cat sir.

I do not want to eat out of my hands, like an animal. I know EXACTLY what weird shit my hands have done that day. I certainly don’t need to be eating some pulpy blood clot out of the palm of my own hand. I can’t believe this is a thing that’s been done more than once.

Now, let’s get to the repurposing of items that should not be used as plates. Like this perfectly good fish bowl drink glass.

Once used to hold drinks for herds of white women who wanted to spend $25 on four shots of rum and eight different kinds of fruit juice. Now it’s being used to ensure that these sweet potato fries have ZERO structural integrity. Look at all the condensation in there! Those fries are so mushy and wet. Some might even say moist. I wouldn’t because I know it’s a trigger word, that’s why I avoid saying moist in these blogs. If you serve me food in a bowl or cup that’s not some form of soup, I’m going to knock it off the table.

Here is some macaroni salad that was served on repurposed bubble wrap. What was the bubble wrap used for? Was it keeping your fat neighbors dildo from knocking itself out of the box? Maybe. All I know is there’s probably an unused bowl crying in a closet somewhere, upset that the packaging is getting all the shine.

I love fried raviolis.

What I don’t love is the clothesline in my grandparents yard. And for good reason. That’s where my grandmas bras would live. That’s not where raviolis should live. I can’t believe I even have to say this. I do love that they just dumped a pile of parsley underneath the ravioli clothesline, what a garnish.

Listen, I love Ferris wheels just as much as the next guy at the fair.

But if you put my food on it and make it so I have to stretch across across the table to grab my crab rangoons I’m gonna throw one at the wall. Don’t do that to me. If I wanted to work for my food I’d learn to hunt.

Here’s a perfect egg, seasoned and fried to perfection. Then, after all that hard work it was tossed on top of condoms used by the back of the house the night before. I mean come on, give me a break here guys.

This next one sure does make it feel like they’re in on the joke of how preposterous this trend is. But I think it’s just a total lack of self awareness.

Steve Jobs is rolling over in his iCoffin.

How about just skipping any semblance of a plate and just throwing all the slop on the table? That’s an option right?

Good news is it’s expensive. Great news is it looks like someone ate it already.

Now let’s get weird…

Real quick though, what happens when we finish the meat? Is there just gonna be a naked Barbie sitting in my plate. That doesn’t sound uncomfortable for anyone.

Now, time for the Pièce de résistance, the rat king.

If you bring my food out on a rat skeleton I’ll tell you what, you’ll one hundred percent have a customer for life.

Listen I appreciate art, I’ve seen Chefs Table on Netflix, but enough is enough folks, just put my food on a plate.


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1 Response to My Open Letter To Restaurants: Put It On A God Damn Plate

  1. Lindsey says:

    This made me laugh SO freaking hard. Probably one of your finest works yet sir

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