ScotchSquatch

I wrote this at 1am after a brutally long day, and two medium sized joints, and I don’t like to edit so, so reader beware. 

I lost my back scratcher during my most recent move, so I was without one for about a month before I remembered that they exist. So since I’ve purchased it, I immediately started using it constantly. I don’t remember ever being this itchy. Which leads me to believe…

Does itching work like chapstick? Where the more you use it, the more you need it? 

What a thought. 

I’ll be honest, I don’t even really know if that’s how chapstick works. I’ve somehow never had chapped lips, so I’ve never used chapstick. Which honestly is kind of a bummer, because I bet it’s just like applying lipstick, and I know I’d be great at applying lipstick. I just know it. 

I’ve also never had heartburn. 

Actually, I don’t know if that’s true anymore. But I went through the first 38ish years of my life without ever having it. So that’s a pretty good streak. 

I’m old. 

Holy shit I’m old. I’m almost positive I’m 39. Which means I’ll be 40 next year. Which is honestly a bit of a bummer. I stopped caring about birthdays when I was 14, besides the big ones (17 and 21). I haven’t really ever given a shit about getting older. 

I didn’t care at all about turning 30. 

Turning 35 had no effect on me, except for that’s when my hangovers took a turn for the worse. I used to wake up after a long night of drinking and feel perfect. I could run a mile if I wasn’t incredibly lazy. But like clockwork, I woke up the morning after my 35th birthday at 7am, having lost the ability to sleep until happy hour. 

That was a huge bummer. 

This is around the same time I was told I’m old to have bedroom booze on my nightstand. I didn’t drink it every night. But it was nice having it there. 

I’m not a dirt bag. Although, I’m sure you could make a pretty strong case. 

I just went outside and smoked another joint. 

I wish they would reconfigure how long seconds and minutes are so there is 100 seconds in a minute, and 100 minutes in an hour. If that was the case, it would be 1:83am. 

I’m actually not sure if the seconds have to change so there are 100 in a minute. 

I just used my backscratcher for like two minutes straight. I use it in spots I can easily reach because the claw feels really nice. It feels like lady nails. Not big long crazy ones. Not ones where you look at them and wonder how they’re able to do things with nails that long. 

Just nice lady nails. 

It’s 2:93am. My laptop screen is giving me a headache. 

So I’m going to close it now