Steve
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Dr. Phil is Retiring and I’d Like To Replace Him
I’d like to replace the worst television doctor since Dr. Huxtable, I mean of course, Dr. Phil. Multiple people have come forward who have worked for Dr. Phil in the past who claim that there is a toxic work environment. That he allegedly bullies people, manipulates guests, treats guests unethically, and promotes racism. Who would… Continue reading
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19 Year Old Student Gets Engaged To 76 Year Old Billionaire
And it’s probably not what you think. My fucking man! Looking sharped dressed in what I assume Wyatt Earp would have worn if he was born in Italy. This dudes gonna be picking moth balls out of his mouth all the way to Ibiza. Slinging dick to a 76 year old woman is probably easier… Continue reading
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PINNED: I Just Spent The Last Five Weeks Running A Panera Bread Instagram Account, With Zero Permission To Do So
It all started like most of my ideas, with me being a little drunk and a little stoned. My friend had casually mentioned to me that the new Panera Bread was set to open soon, but when he went to check when they would open, there was no answer, as they had no social media… Continue reading
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2022: Looking Back At Celebrity Deaths
This was a big year for important people dying. For some reason, whenever a celebrity death occurs they always say that the person “passed away peacefully at home surrounded by friends and family.” Sounds beautiful, right? I mean, honestly, I don’t know. Hear me out. Want to know when I want to be surrounded by… Continue reading
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Meth, Monks, and Monasteries
A Thai monastery had to close it’s doors because a bunch of monks were pinched for doing meth… Of all the drugs that you’d assume monks take- meth was maybe at the bottom of that list. Weed? Sure. Shrooms? Probably. Opium? Absolutely. But meth? Why on earth would these lunatics be doing meth when trapped… Continue reading
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Blind Woman to Fly Plane Across Country
I mean, what could possibly go wrong? So I totally understand the whole “we can do anything” movement- but I think it’s time we say enough is enough. And that’s totally fine. I grew up wanting to be a horse jockey. Unfortunately I’m 6’6″ and built like an Adonis- so it wasn’t in the cards… Continue reading
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Local Man Jumps Off Causeway Bridge Over Chowderfest Cancellation
“First they don’t give out unlimited chowder samples, then they cancel it all together? What are these people thinking?” The man shouted while being treated for two broken legs at Southern Ocean County Medical Center. This years Chowderfest was postponed two weeks as tropical storm Ian flooded the area. “I look forward all year to… Continue reading
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The Barnegat Lighthouse Will Be Closed Again Next Summer To Re-Fix The Paint
The final scaffolding has been removed from the Lighthouse this morning, revealing what will be referred to as the greatest tragedy this area has ever seen. The person in charge of painting the famous Barnegat Lighthouse accidentally flipped the paint scheme, painting red on the bottom and white on the top. How could this have… Continue reading
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Exposing Adam Levine
Listen, I don’t want to seem like a bandwagoner, or like I’m just trying to get some internet clout- we all know that’s not what I’m all about. I have just about all of the internet clout a person could have. But Adam Levine is finally being exposed for the scumbag he is, and I… Continue reading
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Opening Unclaimed Mail in PF Changs
It’s been a while, but I’m back inside a PF Changs opening unclaimed mail with a samurai sword. In an unrelated note, can someone iron my green screen for me? Continue reading
ScotchSquatch 