I’d like to replace the worst television doctor since Dr. Huxtable, I mean of course, Dr. Phil.

Multiple people have come forward who have worked for Dr. Phil in the past who claim that there is a toxic work environment. That he allegedly bullies people, manipulates guests, treats guests unethically, and promotes racism. Who would have thought that someone that looks and sounds like Dr. Phil would be a racist… He looks like he says the N word on a regular basis and not just when he’s singing a Kendrick Lamar song in the car all by himself.

Let’s start with our qualifications.

Dr. Phil has a doctorate from The University of Northern Texas in psychology. I have an honorary doctorate of Theology from the Universal Life Church website that cost me 47 dollars. Like most people, I’ve never heard of the University of Northern Texas. I have however heard of the Universal Life Church.

That’s a point for me.

Now let’s talk in terms of morality. For years “Dr” Phil has been exploiting and taking advantage of morons under the guise of “helping them address their problems” or whatever bull shit he feeds to the trash people that go on his show. And he does this for millions of dollars a year.

Now what have I done? I give blood regularly, I hold the door for people most of the time, I helped that one guy push his car out of the road two years ago in the rain, and most recently- I volunteered my time helping a local business run their social media page.

Another point for ya boy. That’s 2 to nothing for all of you math majors out there.

I don’t want to alienate all of my fans in the south, but Dr. Phil sounds like a fucking idiot. Not all southern accents sound stupid, but his really does. He sounds like a mud farmer from West Texas.

Whereas I sound like if Seth Rogan wasn’t of Jewish descent and he gargled with scotch every morning, like a fucking American.

That puts us at 3-0 with the Squatch coming out on top.

Listen I can keep going with a million reasons as to why I should replace Dr Phil. But if you read this website on a regular basis, you know in your heart I would do a better job that that doorknob with a mustache.

Please sign my petition so I can replace Dr. Phil: The Petition