Dear Restaurants, Hello, how are you? I am well thank you. Great now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries I can be blunt; why the fuck have you stopped using plates? They make all different kinds of plates. Round. Square. Ribbed for her pleasure, probably. My point is this: no one wants to eat off whatever dumb Continue reading

The esteemed Judge Carlisle Greaves was residing over a murder trial in the Bahamas when he was struck with sudden horniness. As someone who routinely suffers from chronic horniness, this is way too relatable. Let’s break this thing down so I can quickly prove to you folks (the jury) why the honorable Judge Carlisle didn’t Continue reading

I feel like it’s my job, as the premiere social commenter to decide when things are done and when they’re just getting good. I’ve nailed the last few. I knew exactly when JNCO jeans stopped being cool, I just decided to wear them an extra year as a goof. And I nailed it when earrings Continue reading

Next time you’re having a rough day, remember the hell Heidi went through that one fateful day while she perused the Hollywood walk of fame. There she was, just minding her own business, taking pictures of Drew Carey’s star and handprints when SPLAT! Hot diarrhea right to the face. It’s a tale as old as Continue reading

When most people hear the word hero they think of one thing: A soldier. And rightfully so. But imagine a new kind of hero. A hero that fights for freedom right here at home. For a long time, as long as I can remember, the image of a female breast has long been censored, while Continue reading

Halloween candy, much like people, are not all created equally. I should probably clarify that- that isn’t a racial joke, but more of a joke about there being so many fucking morons out there who probably shouldn’t count as real people. Anyway, there is a lot of dog shit candy out there, so let this Continue reading

Great men have great dreams. Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed of racial equality. Larry Hagman dreamed of genie. Steve Jobs dreamed of patronizing his employees who make $12 an hour by calling them geniuses. And yours truly dreams of traversing planet Earth by jet ski. Obviously I have put a ton of thought into this Continue reading

There are some videos that when you watch them it feels like you won the lottery. This is one of those videos. So from what I can tell this group of guys who sound like they’re from the Harry Potter movies, bought this babe a motorized wheelchair, presumably so they could get in her sweatpants. Continue reading

To say that the Burger King and I have a strained relationship might be the understatement of the century. Everyone knows I think he’s a scumbag who makes some of the worst food on the planet. After trying the taco and his chicken parm diarrhea trio, I have incredibly low expectations for this one. One Continue reading

OK, so maybe he didn’t do a full brown in his face, but still, a good headline is a good headline. I guess it’s true what they say, end up in the headlines for doing some nefarious shit and everyone you’ve ever wronged will come out of the woodwork to add onto it. This Dr. Continue reading