Halloween candy, much like people, are not all created equally. I should probably clarify that- that isn’t a racial joke, but more of a joke about there being so many fucking morons out there who probably shouldn’t count as real people. Anyway, there is a lot of dog shit candy out there, so let this be your guide on what you should and shouldn’t buy for the little jizz receipts that come knocking on your door this Halloween.

Let’s start with the ones you should avoid at all costs:

Obviously this candy corn/bag of shit combo is number one on my list.

If you gave this shit away to me and my friends, your house was getting fucked with on mischief night the following year, that’s a promise. I remember this one guy gave us a big bag of this shit and the next year we drew shaving cream dicks all over his Ford Taurus and then covered his house in toilet paper. I remember my parents being fucking livid they had to go to the store at 9am because six people we’re down to one roll of shit tickets. Honestly, wrecking that guys house didn’t feel like enough, but none of my friends had the marbles to commit arson, so it had to be good enough.

This next one isn’t even a candy, yet some people are dumb enough to hand it out every year.

Listen, I loved chips just as much as the other husky kids, but I don’t want it on Halloween. I want fucking candy. Did you rob a concession stand or something? Why are you trying to give me chips on Halloween, are you fucking dip shit?

Speaking of dip shits…

This is maybe one of the all time worst things on the planet. They tasted like if a stale marshmellow sat outside in piss flavored rain over night, and then dried, sort of. If you give this out on Halloween, everyone in the neighbor is going to think you’re a serial killer. I’m also going to fuck your niece. I’m exactly one for one with fucking the nieces of people who have given me this candy on Halloween. Sure I was 14 and we dated for six weeks. But whatever, if you have a niece, whenever she turns 18 I’m going to fuck her.

More like Dummies, am I right?

This chalk flavored candy was good for one thing. And that was for crushing up like cocaine and making your dumb friend snort it in class. He would do it for the attention because he wasn’t actually funny, just loud and stupid. And it would be super entertaining watching him fight through a headache the rest of the day like a moron for sniffing a fat line of sugary chalk. But if you give this out on Halloween just know that the whole neighborhood knows you’re poor. Just go park your car a block away and pretend not to be home dude, like you do the debt collectors come knocking. This chalk shit is for the birds.

So, we’ve gone through some of the worst candys that your moron neighbors can offer you on Halloween, now lets get to some of the best.

Lets start out with my personal favorite.

I don’t want to get to aggresive or anything, but if you don’t like Twix you can go fuck yourself. It’s everything that is good in the world of candy and the letter C: crunchy, chocolatey and caramely. Sure there are other candies that have all three of those traits, but no one does it as well as the fine people who make Twix.

I need some quick help, is it candys or candies? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been switching back and forth throughout this blog, so I don’t know, I guess I was correct part of the time. Whatever.

Time for another tried and true classic in the Halloween world.

Named after everyone’s favorite galaxy, this candy bar is an absolute banger. And if you’re lucky enough to live near a neighborhood with sidewalks, you might even get the king sized versions of these. Same goes for the other big dogs of the candy world, like Snickers, Reese’s, all the greats.

Honestly it’s not hard. It’s obvious which candys are the good ones. Don’t be a fucking moron. Get your neighbors kids the good shit or they’re going to fuck with your house. It’s that simple.