I’m Going To Traverse The Globe On A Jet Ski: Go Fund Me Included

Great men have great dreams. Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed of racial equality. Larry Hagman dreamed of genie. Steve Jobs dreamed of patronizing his employees who make $12 an hour by calling them geniuses. And yours truly dreams of traversing planet Earth by jet ski.

Obviously I have put a ton of thought into this so I know what you’re thinking: I’m an idiot and this is impossible. Hard disagree. Very hard disagree. Look, I mapped it all out.


You see, I’m going to start in the lagoon in my back yard, obviously. From there I’ll go to Iceland, maybe stopping along the shore a few times to have some sex. Once in Iceland I’ll make my way through Northern Europe and whatever waters are near their coast line. Stopping along the way for food and maybe to take a nap or two.

Then it’s time for me to bless the rains down south and make my way towards Africa. From there I’ll bounce my way down the coast. Stopping to take cool pictures of lions and hopefully to have some sex. Then I’ll turn the coast around Cape Town and make my way towards Madagascar which is shockingly a real place and not just a dope movie.

After that I’ll bounce the coast for a hot minute, stopping by whichever countries along the eastern coast of Africa have the nicest amenities. Maybe that’s where Ibiza is, who knows. I’ll keep steaming north to India. Stop there for some food, some sex, a nap or two.

Then it’s a hard line to Thailand where I’ll spend the next few weeks studying the culture in Bangkok.

After a few rounds of penicillin I’ll peruse the coast of Australia, the home of Russel Crowe, Vegemite, and men at work. In my short time there I’ll dive into the local culture, by drinking Fosters and hopefully having some sex if my dick hasn’t fallen off yet.

New Zealand and Papa New Guinea are next. I know PNG is out of the way, but honestly, when else am I going to have the chance to go there? So if anyone wants a hat or something, let me know.

From there it’s a quick sprint to Hawaii. Then it’s time for the longest leg of my journey (probably) the trip from the Hawaiian Islands all the way to South America. There’s no way of knowing exactly how far that is because I really don’t know how maps work, but I know it’s going to take a while. This is why I’ll be bringing a small water trailer with me, full of supplies and gas and things like that.

After that I’ll make my way up the South American coast stopping for tacos all along the way before landing in sunny California. Which I’m sure by the time I get there, word will have spread about my conquests and there will be a massive Hollywood party waiting for me. I’ll eventually sell the movie rights and blah blah blah.

Now I know, there are going to be skeptics. Great people are constantly doubted, but we rise above, that’s what makes us great.

When I first told my roommate what my plan was he quickly responded with, “You’re a fucking moron dude. A Blue Whale is going to eat you within the first three days.”

And to that I say, good fucking luck you dumb whale. Having logged over 13 hours of solo jet ski time, I can say with certainty that I’m far too agile on a jet ski for some gigantic whale to swallow me up. I’d be around that whale jumping its wake doing no-handers in no time.

Now obviously I can’t do this on my own. A trip like this is remarkably expensive. Not to mention, I’m going to need a jet ski. Preferably a very fast one.

So, I know what you’re all wondering. “How can I donate? How can I help?”

You can donate to my Go Fund Me to fuel this adventure. I’m only asking for a measly $250k, so if everyone gets together and pulls I don’t know, half of their life savings together, we can all make this adventure happen for me.

Go Fund Me: Jet Ski Around The World

Listen folks, together we can accomplish something truly great. God bless

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