To say that the Burger King and I have a strained relationship might be the understatement of the century. Everyone knows I think he’s a scumbag who makes some of the worst food on the planet. After trying the taco and his chicken parm diarrhea trio, I have incredibly low expectations for this one.

One of my idiot friends (shout out Brandon) told me that Burger King has some kind of meatless burger, that tastes just like meat. Knowing how poor his judgement is (he shits without the toilet seat because he thinks it’s more comfortable-I know, fucking preposterous right), I ignored him. Then, like a sign from God I started seeing commercials for this dumpster fire of a sandwich constantly. I knew what I had to do. So I went to the store, bought some tums and baby wipes, and set my courses for  the Burger King castle.

100 percent Whopper 0 percent beef. This faux burger is entirely plant based, but it’s somehow made to look and supposedly taste like real, cow slaughtered meat. This vegan bad boy clocks in at 630 whopping calories, just 30 calories less than the real meat version, making the difference between this vegan whopper and the real whopper about two cherry tomatoes and a crouton worth of calories. So in terms of pure caloric value, this one seems pretty worthless. I mean, I’m sure there are good and bad calories, but I refuse to believe that.

So let’s get down to the burger itself.

To start, this bad boy made my car smell like someone shit in a garden and then set it on fire. Off to another hot start Burger King, anyway, lets get to the sandwich.

I’ll be honest. This doesn’t look half bad. As badly as I want to disrespect the Burger King, because of the disrespect he’s shown me (The Tacos mainly), in terms of looks, it actually looks appetizing. A nice juicy tomato, some lettuce, cheese, mayo… wait. Those last two things aren’t vegan. Isn’t that the point of this burger? Fast food for people who don’t want animal products or flavor? Honestly, I don’t know anymore.

Time for a closer look.

The charred farty-vegetable smell really comes through the closer you get. It’s extremely unappetizing.

That just doesn’t look great. Another swing and a miss from the scumbag Burger King. And look at that piece of lettuce, LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PIECE OF LETTUCE. Why is it every single time I get lettuce on my sandwich from a fast food place it’s always the shittiest part of the lettuce? It’s always the shitty white knuckle part of the lettuce. Do fast food places exclusively buy the knuckle part of the lettuce. This drew my attention away from the “meat” part of the sandwich for only a split second.

They tried so hard to make it look like a real piece of meat and somehow got it as close as it can to looking real, all the while making it look like someone painted burger texture onto a hunk of shit.

The burger itself tasted like it had some kind of weird meat flavoring sprayed on top of it. It was bad. It also tried real hard to have the consistency of meat, which is about as unappealing as it gets.

Once again, the Burger King has missed the mark. I’ve had a bunch of good veggie burgers in the past (shout out my veggie lovin’ sister) and this one ranks somewhere around the bottom. 1.69 out of 11, I’d rather eat a pile of hair.