-
O Canada is on fire
You guys know I don’t like making everything about me, but come on Canada, just put the fire out. I’ve got asthma and I want to go outside and smoke weed. This kind of childish behavior is exactly why we haven’t let you become a state yet. Justin Trudou, I am holding you personally accountable.… Continue reading
-
The Jabronis Guide to the Summer of 2023
Hey Jabronis, no- not all of you- just a real good portion of you. If you are wondering if this is for you- just ask yourself- are you a jabroni who doesn’t know how to act in public? If the answer is yes, then keep reading. If the answer is no, you can still keep… Continue reading
-
I tried to sell my friends car for him… without his permission
If you’ve been reading this blog for a few years- you’ve probably heard me reference The Dipshit. Well the other day, I got bored and a little stoned again- and since I couldn’t just go back to running my now defunct Panera Bread page- I decided to try and make my friend a few extra… Continue reading
-
The 7/11 One Night Stand Diarrhea Story
As I was cruising on the island earlier today I saw the old 7/11 all boarded up and it broke my heart a little bit. That place was an institution for years. That place saw every island person imaginable: kids with sandy feet, angry New York moms loading up on Marlboros on their way to… Continue reading
-
A Massive Blob of Seaweed is Headed for Florida: So Let’s Say Goodbye to the Garbage State
If New Jersey is the armpit of America, I think we can all agree Florida is the asshole. If DeSantis wants to get rid of all this garbage seaweed, he should just start telling people it pairs nicely with the white cans of Monster Energy, the universal drink of scumbags. But instead I’m sure all… Continue reading
-
Dr. Phil is Retiring and I’d Like To Replace Him
I’d like to replace the worst television doctor since Dr. Huxtable, I mean of course, Dr. Phil. Multiple people have come forward who have worked for Dr. Phil in the past who claim that there is a toxic work environment. That he allegedly bullies people, manipulates guests, treats guests unethically, and promotes racism. Who would… Continue reading
-
19 Year Old Student Gets Engaged To 76 Year Old Billionaire
And it’s probably not what you think. My fucking man! Looking sharped dressed in what I assume Wyatt Earp would have worn if he was born in Italy. This dudes gonna be picking moth balls out of his mouth all the way to Ibiza. Slinging dick to a 76 year old woman is probably easier… Continue reading
-
PINNED: I Just Spent The Last Five Weeks Running A Panera Bread Instagram Account, With Zero Permission To Do So
It all started like most of my ideas, with me being a little drunk and a little stoned. My friend had casually mentioned to me that the new Panera Bread was set to open soon, but when he went to check when they would open, there was no answer, as they had no social media… Continue reading
-
2022: Looking Back At Celebrity Deaths
This was a big year for important people dying. For some reason, whenever a celebrity death occurs they always say that the person “passed away peacefully at home surrounded by friends and family.” Sounds beautiful, right? I mean, honestly, I don’t know. Hear me out. Want to know when I want to be surrounded by… Continue reading
-
Meth, Monks, and Monasteries
A Thai monastery had to close it’s doors because a bunch of monks were pinched for doing meth… Of all the drugs that you’d assume monks take- meth was maybe at the bottom of that list. Weed? Sure. Shrooms? Probably. Opium? Absolutely. But meth? Why on earth would these lunatics be doing meth when trapped… Continue reading
ScotchSquatch 