It’s recently come to my attention that a lot of people think I’m an idiot. And that’s fucking dumb. So in my attempt to clear my good name, I’m going to do a book report on all 50 states, without looking anything up. So I guess it’s not really a book report. I guess it’s more of a brain report. This is about to be part one of 5, which if you’re good at math like I am, you’ll know that means each one will be 10 states long.

Also I know a lot of parents are worried about the school year and their kids falling behind. So if you want to hire me as a tutor, I am available and ready to help.

• 1. Washington state, not to be confused with Washington DC, both named after our first president, Georgie Washington, who had teeth made of rocks or something stupid. This state is home to the Twilight Movies, an empty stadium where the Seattle Supersonics used to play, and the fourth largest toilet in the world, probably. It rains a lot here and generally looks like a terrible place to live.

• 2. Oregon, probably. Oregon was named after the Great Ore Rush of 1658. After the first wave of miners came and mined all the ore out of the land, they wanted to keep the second wave of miners from taking all of the ore. So they started calling the place, Oregon, like Ore Gone. Also home to Marv Griswaldski who famously bowled 4 perfect games in one day while drinking Gennese Cream ale and then drunkenly drove home, crashing into a limo carrying the prom queen and king. Everyone died except Marv, his perfect game trophies were also unharmed.

• 3. California, the golden state. Home to Hollywood pedophile rings and In & Out Burger, The Golden state is one of the longest states on the west coast of America. Home to people like Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, and the Kardashians, this state houses the worlds largest Planned Parenthood. California was also the premise of Katy Perry’s 2010 mega-hit “California Gurls”. It was a real bop of a song.

• 4. New Mexico, named after Old Mexico (which was eventually just shortened to Mexico after their war of indepence), is known for it’s hot peppers and it’s proximity to Mexico (Née Old Mexico). It’s also home to the first ever 7/11 employee to give birth while working and to still finish out their shift.

• 5. Los Vegas, viva Los Vegas. That’s right, we’re up to Nevada already. I am just cooking right through these. Nevada’s three biggest exports are hookers, strippers, and husbands who are gonna be single when their wives found out how much they lost while they were on a business trip. Also known as the birthplace of plan B, which for them is really more of a plan A.
• 6. Utah, the land of Mormons and the winter Olympics one year I think. Founded in the 1980’s by football player turned FBI agent Johnny Utah, who famously took down these bank robbers, but then the real bad bank robber guy who orchestrated the whole thing got away and then he drowned. So why they named a state after him is beyond me. Utah is real fucking dumb I guess.
• 7. Idaho, the land before time. Also known as Iowa’s shitty cousin. Idaho’s water is 100 percent recycled toilet water from other states. The state is the number 1 employer, as most people work in the factories that scoop the poop and shits out of the water.
• 8. Montana; Pony’s outnumber human beings 13 to 1. More dogs go missing here than another other place on earth. So either there’s a huge wolf population or Montanians are fucked up.
• 9. Wyoming, The 10th largest state by area, it is also the least populous and second most sparsely populated state in the country. It is bordered by Montana to the north and northwest, South Dakota and Nebraska to the east, Colorado to the south, Utah to the southwest, and Idaho to the west. The state population was estimated at 578,759 in 2019, which is less than 31 of the most populous U.S. cities.^[6] The state capitaland the most populous city is Cheyenne, which had an estimated population of 63,957 in 2018.
• 10. Colorado, the first state where they made weed legal, so that was pretty dope. My friend Rob is a chef out there. My other friend Matt was a chef out there too, but now he’s a chef back here. It also snows there sometimes. Other times it doesn’t snow there at all.

Stay tuned for part two where I’ll get the next 10 states. God bless.