Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Candles

First off, can we please talk about how her company’s name is Goop? What kind of a name is Goop? After a quick Google search Goop means exactly what you think it does, a sloppy or sticky seminal fluid-typically something unpleasant. Actually, come to think of it, it’s a perfect name for a company that makes vagina candles.

“For the Goop team, smelling Gwyneth’s vagina became just another days at the office! She’s the ultimate embodiment of the brand, and that means ensuring its authenticity with the products.”

She said: “The idea [is] that women have been taught to have a certain amount of shame about their body. So, if you just light a candle that says ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’, and put it on the coffee table, it’s kind of a punk rock statement.”

That is not punk rock Gwyneth, punk rock would be actually making the person smell your vagina. Not making people spend $17 to take a whiff of a candle that sort of smells like it. That’s the punk rock equivalent of buying a Warped Tour Summer of 99 t-shirt at Hot Topic.

I honestly can’t imagine a worse Monday. Showing up hungover after drinking all day and night on Sunday. You grab a strong coffee to try and wake yourself up. You sit down at your desk on your rickety chair with no lumbar support as you wonder to yourself if you pretend to faint if you could go home for the day. You open up your iCalendar to see what is on today’s docket and you see you have to go sniff Gwynth Paltrows vagina again because the last candle came out a little too “musty”.

Honestly while going in for that first whiff it would be hard to not hear Mike Rowe’s booming voice in my head describing how this is one of the dirtiest jobs in America.

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