So after asking my agent and advertisers and then getting screamed at for about an hour it’s come to my attention that I’m not allowed to share the actual pic of Lieutenant America, AKA Chris Evan’s wrench. So I studied it for a few hours, and recreated it.

I mean honestly, that is pretty much it. It is super average. The only real difference between my dick and Chris Evan’s dick is that his is attached to a millionaire with abs. Whereas my dick is attached to someone who writes blogs and crosses his fingers every time his debit card gets swiped after a night of drinking.

So let’s rate this hog.

Length wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. Like I said, very average all around. You wouldn’t be mad at seeing this dick (if you like seeing dicks), but you also wouldn’t start stretching when you see it.

Girth was actually pretty decent, although it was hard to tell whether I was looking at it’s shadow or not. Everyone knows the shadow adds to the girth. That’s why I always take pictures of mine with a flashlight shining down the side of it (thank me later fellas).

Helmet, I didn’t love if we’re being honest. I can proudly say that I’ve got a better helmet than Captain America, no big whoop. I don’t know, it just wasn’t as voluptuous as I was hoping it would have been.

Pubes might be his highest grade. Looked like he had a little forest down there. Don’t even think about shitting on him for having a rats nest down there either. When you’re as hot as Chris Evans or I am, you could have fire ants surrounding your dick, people are gonna still line up to catch a glimpse.

Overall I’d give his wrench a 6.47 out of 11. I think you’re better off just being attracted to me.