I’m Not An Idiot: State The States: Part 2

Like I said in part 1, a lot of people think I’m just some idiot, so in an effort to prove my intelligence, I’m going to be going through all 50 states, and identifying them and teaching you a few random facts about them.

If you missed part 1, click here.

Let’s jump right into it.

11. Arizona, home to the most 7/11 arrests in the continental United States. Where the average boy on any given Sunday is being taken to dirt bike practice by his step dad who still has a chain wallet. The official beverage of the state is a Monster Energy drink. It also has the most owed child support per capita. It’s also home to the Arizona Cardinals National Football League sports team.

12. Texas. Two things come from Texas, and that’s steers and cowboys. The long horn cow is their official state bird and the average person carries at least two guns on their person, three if they’re on their way to church.

13. Oklahoma, OK. Oklahoma where the wind blows sweeping down the plains. It’s known as the panhandle state as it leads the south in people whose sole income is begging for change. More people have sex in the dirt in Oklahoma than any other place on Earth.

14. Kansas, home to Kansas City, Kansas. Which is about a ten minute drive from Kansas City, Missouri. And people wonder why no one respects either of these states. South-Eastern Kansas was also home to the worlds worst fire, not in terms of size, but more in terms of smell as the urine processing plant fire of 1997 happened here. It’s commonly known as the Piss Factory Fire of 97. Kansas is the only state in which citizens are required to save their urine and give it to the piss factories so that they may turn it into a biodegradable plastic.

15. Nebraska, known as the whitest place on earth, both because of the snow that probably happens here and because it sounds like somewhere that is predominately white. Every restaurant is a diner, and no body knows how to dance.

16. South Dakota, known as North Dakota’s diaper. The legal Blood Alcohol limit in the state is .25 if you’re over 21 and .15 if you’re under 21. It’s .05 if you’re under 15. If an animal wrongs you, you’re allowed to kill it with your bare hands. The law is also super vague about what “wrongs you” means. It’s actually really fucked up. I don’t love South Dakota. This is probably a big reason why it was unanimously voted 50th best state in the union.

17. North Dakota, or as the people there call it, the blouse of South Dakota. Nothing of importance has ever happened in this state and people are especially proud of that. Women were granted the right to vote here in 2006.

18. Minnesota, I think Prince is from here. Not the Prince of England, but the small sex pervert who made terrific banging music. I think he wrote Purple Rain about a chemical fire that took place in Minnesota. Named after the Native Sioux tribesmen’s word for “My Soda” or “Mine Soda” for the real moron one’s who don’t know how possessive adjective/pronouns work.

19. Iowa, home to Ray Kinsella, who famously plowed his entire corn field while on an acid trip. You can get any kind of corn in Iowa. Fresh corn. Pop corn. Caramel corn. Candy corn. You can get all these kinds of corn other places as well, but you can also get them in Iowa.

20. Missouri, which is also the French word for Miserable, which the average citizen is. You would be too if every time you told someone to meet you in Kansas City you had to ask, “Which one” as they’re within walking distance of each other. Unless you’re from Missouri, then walking distance doesn’t mean anything. They go by “hover-round distance” there as the average citizen is somewhere between obese and preposterously obese. Missouri is also the last state that you can get your McDonalds Super Sized. They also have an additional size known as Troth Size. Where for $100 or 25 volunteer hours cleaning the toilets, they will fill a troth up with whatever food you want. You must provide your own regulation sized troth.

Part 3 coming soon, probably.

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