It’s something that we all deal with on a daily basis but no one ever has the courage to talk about. Well that’s about to change. I’m going to do for horniness what the ice bucket challenge did for ALS. But the ice isn’t getting dumped on your head this time. It’s getting dumped on your crotch, obviously.

I have some friends who deal with crippling horniness, to the point where they spend all day just sliding in peoples DM’s (shout out Bramdon). And while this has been proven to be a mildly successful approach for him, I can’t suggest it for anyone else out there. Unless you’re cool with being mocked publicly, like he is.

After conferring with some close friends about horniness that was happening to me, I was sent this picture:

Let’s go through each of these steps, and make them work for you.

1. Talk about it. Seems easy enough. For me talking about it is really just yelling it into my lagoon. I stand outside on the dock overlooking my boat (please don’t make a big deal about me living on the water and owning a boat, it’s really not a big deal), and I just scream into the heavens how I wish the feeling in my crotch would go away. Or I’ll text one of my guy friends.

2. Interrupt your urges. Go for a jog, hike up a mountain, read a book, or jerk off wherever you’re standing. There are a lot of ways to skin a cat. I really hate that expression, because in all truth, there’s probably only one or two ways to skin a cat. Also, don’t skin a fucking cat.

3. Channel your energy… I don’t know what that means. Meditate maybe? But I think if I meditated while being stricken with the horns, I don’t think it would get any better. I’d probably start thinking about the kind of people who meditate and then from there I’d probably start picturing people doing yoga… and from there it’s really all down hill. Or up hill, depending on how you feel about hills. So don’t channel your energy. Skip this one.

4. Work on finding satisfying sex. I mean, this one is kind of a given, it’s not really great advice. It just happens naturally when you’re horny. When the horns strike you go looking for sex. That’s universal for men and women. It’s why things like Tinder, Bumble, and bars exist.

5. Work through relationship issues… What kind of advice is that? If I was in a relationship I probably wouldn’t have the horns this bad. I mean I’d still have it probably, but it would at least be manageable. And I certainly wouldn’t spend half an hour staring into a cut in half strawberry.

6. Take something to lower your sexual urges… What on earth could you take? Is there a vitamin that quells horniness? If so, please, someone leave some on my door step. Leave it with a bagel too. I think you have to eat with vitamins so you don’t get diarrhea.

Either way having the horns is part of life. The sun and moon will take their turns in the sky. The rain and clouds will come and go. And you’ll remain horny on and off until that last bit of oxygen leaves your lungs. But remember, don’t be a horny fucking creep. It’s super unbecoming. Whenever you’re about to send an un-solicited and unprovoked horny message, ask yourself, “Would I love someone sending this to my sister/mom or brother/dad?” If the answers no, then throw your phone into your lagoon, just try not to hit your new boat.