Now if that’s not the most New Jersey thing ever, we finally get something nice back and you guys filled it up with shit and piss.

NEW JERSEY — There was an “inordinate” amount of urine and feces left in bottles at recently reopened parks in New Jersey over the weekend, officials said on Monday.

“There is a zero tolerance policy for that,” Colonel Patrick J. Callahan, Superintendent of the New Jersey State Police, said during the governor’s daily coronavirus news conference. “The whole idea behind the parks is to give our citizens the ability to go out and enjoy the fresh air and have time outside. That report from Park Police was certainly disheartening to say the least.”

Police at the state and county levels will be on the lookout for that from now on.

Before any of you ask, yes I have an alibi. I was with my girlfriend. She’s from Canada and goes to a different school. You wouldn’t know her.

I have so many questions so let’s jump right in.

First, if this was a coordinated attack, why didn’t someone come and get me? You guys know I can pretty much shit on command. And I always have diarrhea. I could have been your golden boy. Just filling parks up with poopie shits. In the bushes, on basketball courts, tennis courts, down the slide, up the slide, while hanging on the monkey bars. You name it and I would have been willing to shit there.

Secondly, what amount is inordinate? Like is there a base level of poop and piss that occupy all State Parks? How much exactly did you find? Like what’s the average amount of park poop found? Ounces? Pounds? Same with piss. Was there enough to drown someone in it? How much piss is too much piss at a park?

Thirdly, I get the pissing in bottles, everyone has done that. Ya fill a piss bottle, unscrew the cap so it’ll open mid air, and you huck it at someone you don’t really care for. It’s a tale as old as time. But who shits in a bottle? How does that work? Maybe a Snapple bottle- as they have slightly larger holes. But what are people doing- are they shoving these bottles up their asses and just ripping shits into them? How do you discover this is an option?

Honestly, I’m feeling so many emotions right now, mostly left out and jealous though. I just know I would have been so good at this. Me not being invited to shit all over some state parks is like Michael Jordan being benched in the finals.