The Bottom Five: Sex Positions

We’re all adults here. We’ve all had some sex. Some of us better than others, none better than mine. I’m not saying I’m the best at sex, but I’ve had a great time every time someone has let me plow down with them.

I’ll be honest, when I first hatched the brilliant idea for this blog my original idea was to just write about nothing but guys having sex with guys, nothing against gay dudes, it’s just, I don’t like the position where the guy is behind me shoving his dick in me. Not hating on it, it’s just not for me.

I decided against that though, mostly because I don’t know that many gay sex positions. Also I don’t think I draw dicks all that well. And if I keep it to the style of sex I’m familiar with that’s only one dick per picture, whereas the other one would be at least double that. At least. Oh yea, I decided I’m going to draw all of these positions. Two things though, I can’t draw for shit, I’m going to give myself one chance to draw these.



Honestly, I’m not really mad at the wheelbarrow position, it’s mostly on the list because I only have like maybe 8 or 9 positions in my repertoire, so there had to be at least one that I kind of like on the list. I settled on wheelbarrow because it takes a great deal of effort. But what’s nice is this is a position where you can check the time. As someone who’s a big watch guy, this is especially nice. Honestly though, I don’t think I’m very good at this position. After four to five pumps the idea to run the girl around the house like I’m trying to speed plow the back 9 is going to come to life. I just don’t have the will power not too.



Coming in at number 4, your grandma’s favorite sex position, missionary. I’m going to be honest with you, there’s not much worse than maintaining eye contact with someone else during sex. I’d rather make eye contact with someone watching me have sex, than make eye contact with the person I’m having sex with. It’s fine. My therapist knows and says it not a big deal.

I can’t imagine missionary being that great for the lady though either. Just some slob laying on top of you rocking back and forth on you, dripping sweat on your face, staring at the wall behind you.



This particularly awful sex position is so boring it’s popular with some ultra religious folks. I guess it’s easier to pretend the sex is with someone of your own gender when there’s no skin to skin contact. The only positive for this one is that there is absolutely zero chance of there being any eye contact.



This is a pretty advanced position, so I’m sure most of you prudes haven’t tried it. And I’ll be honest, it’s not worth a try. Not only is there almost constant eye contact, but you have to hold your legs up in the air, which feels incredibly vulnerable. I don’t think women get enough credit. They have to get in positions constantly where someone is looking directly into their asshole. It’s insane if you think about it. Women truly are the stronger gender.



This is it. This one is the absolute worst. I’d rather not have sex. Constant eye contact. Embracing. I mean, you’re literally close enough to smell each others breath. If someone asks you to get in this position just get up and leave. It’s not worth it.

Don’t worry, I’m going to print this out and give it to my therapist. There’s clearly some shit I have to work through.

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