If you’re grandma lives in Fairfield Connecticut, she might be having wilder sex than you are.

Now when I read that I assumed what you guys are. Old people are getting together and having boring old people sex. Cool cool cool.

Then I kept reading.

My lord. Five men and one woman. I don’t want to get too filthy here, as this is a family website and all, but that sounds a lot like a gang bang. Old Ruth over here was not taking one dick. Not Two dicks. Not Three or four dicks. But FIVE. FIVE dicks at a time.

Imagine getting that call. That call that we all hope and pray never to receive.

“Hello this is the police, your grandma is here at the station. She’s been arrested for taking on five men at once in some type of no holds barred public park gang bang.”

The same Grandma that sends you three birthday cards a year because she keeps mixing her dates up.

The same Grandma that made you that afghan blanket you use on the couch every night.

The same Grandma that spoiled the shit out of you when you were a kid.

That same sweet old lady just had a dick in each hand, and every other conceivable hole.

I’m all for freedom of expression and I’m certainly all for letting a hoe be a hoe, but come on. If you’re old enough to still hate the Japanese, maybe let’s hang up those gang bang boots.

After doing some research, I am a journalist after all, this isn’t some new thing. Apparently seniors have been really plowing down the past few years. STD rates in senior citizens is up 23 percent the last few years. And I mean why not? You can buy dick pills at 7/11 now, might as well go for it. I plan on banging well into my 80’s. I’m even hoping to be good at it by then.