“Pooping superintendent’s life ruined by police.” Ah yes, a tale as old as time.

Thomas Tramaglini is just a regular guy who puts his pants on one leg at a time. He was the poster boy for the great American family; a great job, a wife, a son, a daughter and the white picket fence. Thomas really had it all.

That was until the Holmdel police outed him by publishing his mugshot and telling the world that he takes shits under bleachers- something that I think we can all relate too. I personally have never shit under the bleachers, but I did accidentally shit behind a shed once and let me tell you, not ideal.

What was he supposed to do? There he is, mid run when the cramps started. We’ve all been there. You think you can tough it out. You think it’s probably just a fart. The cramps, much like contractions get closer and closer together. And you know what, before you know you’re taking a shit under the bleachers for the third time that week. I get it, we’ve all been there.

As someone who has had pretty much constant diarrhea since 7th grade, my heart breaks for him and his family. I’ve shit in a bunch of weird places too and thank god the Holmdel Police weren’t there to catalogue everything in their quest to embarrass good, hardworking Americans.

Let’s not forget that Thomas suffers from Runner’s Diarrhea, which is a real condition that his lawyer told the court about. I too suffer from this affliction and that’s why I don’t run marathons. Imagine getting arrested for suffering from a disease? What is this, Communist China? This is the U S of A and these colors don’t run, and yes, that’s mostly because of the Runner’s Diarrhea, but still, they don’t run.