So I’m driving home today in my new car, no big deal, but yea, I bought a Ford Explorer. It’s even got a CD player so now I can play my Now That’s What I Call Music mix. No big deal. It’s also got a sun roof that sort of sometimes works. It’s nice moving up in the world.
So I’ve got really bad post nasal drip. It’s part of me having shit allergies. It’s just something I have to deal with. No big deal. Every now and then it’ll happen and I will cough a little bit and then gag. Sometimes this will make me throw up as I have the worst gag reflex ever. Honestly, I have no idea if this is even normal for post nasal drip. But this is what I’ve been dealing with for the past, I don’t know, ten years or so. It’s never really been an issue because like 99.99 percent of the time I’m totally fine. It’s just every now and then I’ll cough and gag a little, and sometimes vomit from it. No biggie.
Whatever, moving on.
So I’m driving down the highway this afternoon. I’ve got my cool guy music playing. I’ve got my new cool guy glasses on. My hair is blowing in the wind from my open windows and partially opened sun roof. This girl in a little white Jetta pulls up next to me. Jetta’s are like the official car of cute white girls I think. So shout out to Jetta. Anyway we look over at each other. I give her my ‘hey girl’ smile. And she shoots me over these ‘I’m smiling to be nice’ eyes. It was love at first sight. The light turns green and I slammed the gas. I wanted her to know I’m a bad boy who doesn’t care about things like speed limits or BAC levels.
I began to imagine our lives together. Me and cute white girl walking through Home Depot together picking out shutters on the home we just closed on. Taking young Brantley or little Londynn on trips to Vermont to visit her parents for a weekend in their log cabin. Her father and I would laughingly argue over who chops the wood better while the women sit inside laughing over boys being boys. Later on that night we’d have missionary position sex quietly while some middle of the night TBS movie (probably Hitch or Wedding Crashers) covers up the sound of the bed creaking. I saw our perfect future together.
Cute white girl zooms by me like a flash of Swedish engineering perfection. Just then, two things happened all at once: the light turns yellow and my post nasal drip hit… hard. Immediately I started coughing and gagging. Then it happened. I could feel her looking over at me. And just as I tried to hide my gag and smile, I dry heaved and let out this gross gagging sound.
People who have seen this little show that my body makes me put on often compare it to when Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia gets nervous and gags.
That’s literally what I did. Right in this cute girls face.
So if you’re reading this, I didn’t mean to gag in your face, sorry.