… And let’s start the war on condoms.

I have a great alternative to banning the use of plastic straws. Sure, I’ve seen the video of that turtle with a straw stuck inside of it’s shell, and it made me super sad just like it made everyone else super sad.

So instead of banning plastic straws how about we ban something way more detrimental to the environment? Let’s ban condoms.

That’s right, say no to condoms.

Plastic straws are at least reusable, condoms on the other hand, are not reusable. Trust me, I’ve tried. One time in college I had just gotten done making passionate love to this beautiful co-ed for about four minutes. When she leaned over and whispered loud enough for her dorm-mate to hear, “I hope you have another condom, I want to go again, maybe for a little longer this time.”

“Oh yea, sure do.” I replied post haste with the enthusiasm of someone who did indeed have another condom. But alas, I did not. And I knew this.

“Let me go throw this condom out.” I said as I made way to the communal bathroom down the hall. Once there I dumped the contents of the condom out and began rinsing it with water as some girl walked past me.

“Gross are you going to re-use that?”

“No, I just like to clean it out before I throw it away.”

I’m pretty sure she could sense my sarcasm because she replied with, “It’s not even rolled out all the way.”

The size queen eventually left the bathroom so I could really get to cleaning. I scrubbed this condom better than I’ve ever cleaned anything.

Now let me tell you, using a condom for the second time, definitely not ideal. It somehow was dry both on the inside and the outside. The love making didn’t go well and half way though we switched from making passionate love to me being on the receiving end of a passionless handjob.

Now what was the real moral of me telling this story? It’s this:

Plastic straws can be used multiple times, condoms can’t. I’ve used the same straw for like 17 mixed drinks in one night. I’ve used the same condom exactly 1 1/2 times once and it did not go very well.

Look! That condom is about to get swallowed whole by whatever kind of dinosaur turtle this thing is. Now what’s going to happen to this turtle after it swallows a condom? I don’t know, it’ll probably die. Which is way worse than that other turtle with a straw for a leg (OK, it’s probably obvious I didn’t really watch the turtle video, but I heard about it- so that sort of counts-I just don’t like to watch things that make me sad).

Honestly, I’d rather drink out of a turtle shell than a paper straw.