The Weekend Roundup: Harry Potter, PornHub Has a Dream, Hawaii’s 99 Red Balloons & The Saints Miraculously Cover

So I know I’ve blogged about this before, but I finally sat down and tried to watch a Harry Potter movie. I started with the first one because I’m not an idiot and my god was it dog shit. Not only was it beyond boring but it made me feel like a pervert. I’m a huge Emma Watson guy and seeing her as a child has completely ruined my crush on her. I really wanted to like this movie too because there are like 15 of them and I’d love to waste an entire weekend sitting on the couch watching movie after movie. I love wasting time, but unfortunately I couldn’t even make it through the first one. I gave up with like an hour left and went upstairs to watch Netflix on my phone. I might just jump into the third movie still, because I’ve heard that’s when it really gets popping.

So I was doing a little late night research when I stumbled across this… Yea, up in the top that’s Martin Luther King Jr. Right on top of an ad for dick growth pills.


It blows my mind that these dick growth pill companies even exist. Like if dick pills really worked and existed wouldn’t that be all over the news? The fact that right now there is some moron on day three of taking these dick pills and he’s standing in front of a mirror trying to figure out if it’s bigger truly makes me sad. I think these pills should make your body explode like a Samsung phone, it’d be great natural selection. Anyway, shout out to PornHub for representing MLK Jr, what a time to be alive.

Speaking of being alive…

hawaii missile

So all of my Hawaiian friends received this alert over the weekend and people went bananas, and rightfully so as they thought their entire world was about to end. Luckily my two favorite Hawaiian’s were hungover and slept through all the missile warnings, so they didn’t have to deal with it, but a lot of people did. Now the official word on this is that there was a mistake and blah blah blah. Whatever, I’m not buying it. I love buying in on conspiracies and with this one I’m pushing all my chips into the center. I’m subscribing to the idea that there was indeed a missile fired but that we blasted it out of the air.

I mean, they went 38 minutes before they retracted their alert. That’s such a long time. A long enough time to shoot a missile out of the air? Probably. If Israel can do it on a nightly basis with their Iron Dome I’m positive America has the capabilities to knock one out of the sky.

The video of the guy putting his kids in the sewer was wild:

I know it’s not supposed to be funny because the guy thinks he’s saving his kids lives, but they probably got covered in shit, and that’s kind of funny. Shit is almost always funny.

What a wild weekend of gambling that culminated in what turned out to be the longest 10 minutes of my life. You see, I had the Saints +5 1/2, which means you add 5 1/2 points to the Saints score, and if that means they win- you win. So when the Vikings scored with zero time left it gave them a five point lead. Then everyone rushed the field, leaving me to believe I had won the bet. I celebrated because as per usual I had too much money on the game. That’s when the announcers announced that the Vikings had to go for the extra point. Which means if they kicked the field goal that would give the Vikings a six point lead, thus losing me the bet.

So I did what any rational person would do, I paced back and forth in front of the TV like a lunatic clutching my vodka drink as my friends watched and laughed. That’s when my friend Vic noticed the Minnesota kicker on the field, and my heart sank. I took a long drink from the entirely too strong vodka drink he had made me and held my breath… and boom, there they were, getting in the victory formation, getting ready to kneel. I yelled and cheered as they hiked the ball as Case Keenum’s beautiful knee ever so gently kissed the turf. It was beautiful. And I won.

What a weekend.

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