Slightly less than 500 miles away from the Las Vegas strip in the Lovelock Correctional Center, inmate number 1027820 is just waking up in his small, cramped cell. A downgrade from his 6,000 square foot mansion he used to wake up in before he absolutely murdered his wife Nicole and the dude who was deep dicking her. His name escapes me now, but I’m not going to waste time looking it up because frankly, I don’t think it matters. He’s very dead right now.

Anyway, the Juice is loose! Well, almost loose. Slightly before his 70th birthday OJ Simpson will go before the parole board for the first time and ask permission to potentially kill again. Simpson is serving a sentence right now for kidnapping, conspiracy, burglary, robbery, and assault with a deadly weapon. He was sentenced to 33 years in jail with a chance of parole after 9 years- proving yet again that I don’t understand how going to jail works. Why not just say you’ve got at least 9 years in jail- after that we’ll re-evaluate and see where you’re at.

I’d like to give my condolences to Kim Jong-un who is probably mourning the death of his brother, Kim Jong-nam, who was just murdered in Maylaysia. I know the Supreme Leader of North Korea and his brother had a bit of a falling out- but still, family is family. The story of Kim Jong-nam is sort of a funny one, so let’s start there.

He was the obvious heir to his fathers throne, being the oldest son, until one incident left him looking like an idiot. In 2001 Jong-nam, his son, and two women traveled to Tokyo using fake passports hoping to visit DisneyLand. I guess they don’t have rides in North Korea. The name on the passport is the real kicker, Pang Xiong. Funny, right? Of you don’t speak fluent Mandarin, oh well Pang Xiong translates to ‘Fat Bear’. Pretty terrific, right? He was deported back to North Korea and his father was forced to cancel his trip. This incident left Kim Jong-il supremely embarrassed.

Malaysian officials say there are no suspects as of right now, which comes to no surprise as the Malaysian government is about as trust worthy as a fart after a night of beer and greasy food. RIP brave young soul.