So I’m at Target today buying vegan pot stickers and ultra-thin condoms that I had a coupon for when I walked out to my car and saw this shit:

Are you fucking kidding me?

What type of scum-bag monster just leaves their cart right there, blocking a car in the fuel efficient spot? I’m over here saving the fucking environment in my 2004 Ford Explorer that gets 11 miles to the gallon and you’re going to just leave your fucking cart behind, literally in my spot. I’ve never been so blatantly disrespected in my whole life. You might as well have greased that cart up and shoved it right up my perfect ass.

I mean, it’s not like the corral was that far away.

This left me in quite the predicament as if I just left it there I’d look like the asshole for just leaving a cart there. I had two options:

Option one: Close my eyes and kick the cart as hard as I could in any direction and leave real quick.

Option two: Walk the eighteen feet over to the cart corral.

I went with a combination of the two and I kicked the cart medium hard and then walked it over to the corral, like some bitch who does favors for people.

If you left that cart there I will find you. I don’t have a lot of money, but what I do have is a very special set of skills. Skills that I have learned over a long, long, career of being extremely petty and spiteful to people around me.

I’m coming for you, cart bandit.