I have a friend who I’ve wanted to blog about for a long, long time. He’s the king of doing dumb things. If saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time was poetry, he would be William Shakespeare.

The DipShit is a die hard Eagles fan, and being a die hard Eagles fan means that you have to constantly second guess everything that the ownership of the team does. Case and point with this recent Carson Wentz trade.

So recently in a Facebook post he announced that he was going to apply for the position of GM of his beloved Eagles. Sure, most people would reply to that with a quick, “why the fuck do you think you’re qualified?”

And to that I’d respond with The DipShits long and storied work career. Actually, as far as I know he’s only had one job. Unless posting Third Eye Blind lyrics on his Instagram story and taking uneven pictures of sunsets are a job.

He works at a store that sells health things. Things that people take to make their lives better. So, you could say he de facto makes peoples lives better. Not his own though, as he doesn’t possess the fortitude to be able to swallow a vitamin or any other pill. Although I guess he could still take one if someone folded his pill up in a slice of cheese like we used to do for my dog Rockys heart medicine.

Anyway, I’m starting to see his point. He is probably qualified enough to manage a Philadelphia sports team.

Let’s go through some more of his positive qualities.

He is incredibly loyal. He loves and supports his quarterback no matter what.

Folks, that statement later turned out to not be true. But like I said, my man stands by his quarterback.

OK, well that didn’t feel so positive.

That didn’t feel all that positive either.

Alright, maybe he’s not such a positive guy, but he is extremely giving. Not only has he loaned two different of his now ex-girlfriends large sums of money, which is about as generous as it gets. One time he not only offered, but insisted on a group of girls that had no plans on sleeping with him, use his bar tab all night like an open bar. And don’t worry his generosity didn’t end there, after being reminded that a 10 percent tip was absolutely unacceptable he laid out a whopping perfect 20 percent tip. Down to the penny! Someone paid rent that week because of his generosity.

Folks, his generosity doesn’t stop there. He’s quite the handyman as well. If he spots something broken, he just fixes it. He was at my one friends house and noticed her light bulb was dead, so what did he do? He ripped the whole fixture off the ceiling to get to the problem. And he exposed some other issues. Like that the ceiling needed to be spackled now.

I wish I could include an after picture, but my man is so meticulous and so much of a perfectionist, it’s not done yet, four months later. Every month, for about an hour he shows up to work on it a little. Folks, Michelangelo’s Sixteenth Chapel took four years, so this should probably take at least as long. At least.

My guy is unique too. That’s a great quality in a leader. Like how Tom Brady avoids tomatoes and the cheeks of his son when he goes in for a kiss, my man avoids toilet seats. How many other people do you know that don’t use toilet seats either? Yea, same. So yea, he just sits right down on the bowl, like a savage with a real wide ass. Not that he’s fat, but his ass has gotta at least be a little extra wide to not be falling into his own shit water.

Speaking of Tom Brady, The DipShit is an athlete too. At the ripe age of 33 he decided he was gonna take up skateboarding. Listen, you’re never too old to shred. That fucking loser Tony Hawk can do it, so can The DipShit.

Here is how our friends found him after he got the speed wobbles going down a hill.

He’s just a little tired from going so fast. He was actually totally fine.

Totally fine, besides the broken ribs and the busted shoulder. But besides that, totally fine.

So let’s tally it all up:

Generous: ✔️

Handy: ✔️

Unique: ✔️

Athletic: ✔️

I’m just saying, if I’m the Eagles, look no further than this guy right here, everyone’s favorite dipshit.