This has been a long time coming, but I, Stephen Michael Stephen Sorrentino, am running for mayor.

That’s right, I went full name on ya. Yes, that is my full name. The second Stephen is my confirmation name, because I’m a good Catholic boy. I thought it would be funny. Still makes me laugh today.

Together, we can do great things because Yes We Can, Probably. We’re gonna clean this town up, Yes We Can, Probably. We’re going to create new jobs while not raising taxes, Yes We Can, Probably.

We’re taking this town to the promise land, Yes We Can, Probably.

Say it with me folks, YES WE CAN, PROBABLY! Thats a winning campaign slogan right there.

Anyway…

I’m gonna be the next mayor of this fucking town.

It’s going to be a long and tough road. I’ve got about a million skeletons in my closet in the form of horrifying things that I’ve written about. There’s also a couple of sex tapes of mine that are probably out and about. And I’ve had sex with a handful of married women in this town. But I’m going to get ahead of it. Because that’s what real men of honor and virtue do, we’re truthful, even about our shortcomings.

I’m going to need some things, from you, the great people that I will be ruling over. I need a campaign manager. Your first responsibility is going to be finding out what I have to do to be mayor. Whoever does that the quickest and makes it the easiest for me, you get the job. Please get going. I don’t know when the deadline for signing up for Mayor is, but it could be soon.

I’m not going to be rude or uncivil about what any of the other mayors in the past have done, because that isn’t mayor-ly. But I will tell you this: you’re gonna feel that I’m mayor.

That didn’t sound great. Let me try again.

You’re gonna feel the difference I make. Let’s roll with that.

I’m gonna bring so much to this town. And I’m also gonna trim a lot of the fat.

First things first, I’m gonna fix whatever happened to route 72. What a horrible job. I keep getting sent the wrong fucking way! Like once every other week I end up getting forced to go west when I want to go east, and the other way around. So yea, we’re gonna undo all that construction. It’ll only be done at night. So no traffic delays. Plus, the grounds probably still loose. So it’ll be quick. Can we do it? Yes We Can, Probably.

Once that’s done we’re getting a whole foods. I’ll divert money that was supposed to go to the schools or something to buy a franchise or whatever. Listen, schools don’t need new computers every year, don’t be ridiculous. I’ve never been to a Whole Foods, but it sounds like a great place to get food or meet somebody to have sex with. Can we do it? Yes We Can, Probably.

Speaking of sex, I should probably have some kind of first lady. So slide in my dms if you’re looking to be the first lady of Manahawkin. It’ll have the same perks as being the first lady of the United States, just at a much smaller scale. I’ll make sure you can have your own assistant though. And a maid for the Mayors Mansion. I’m safe in assuming there is some kind of mayors mansion right? Like I can’t live where I live and be mayor. I don’t even have an office.

If you’re questioning where my political affiliations line up, I’m pro-America. That’s all you need to know. I bleed red, white, and blue- and no, I don’t have some kind of blood disease, I’m just that god damn American. My favorite presidents are George Washington, George Washington, and George Washington. My favorite moment in history is when George Washington told King George III to suck his dick.

Do I think that together we can make this town great? Yes We Can, Probably.