During this time of self quarantining and isolation, sex for single people is becoming extremely difficult. And I’m OK with it. If I have to stop plowing down to keep my Grandma alive, then so be it. I love my Grandma that much. Slightly more than I love plowing down I suppose. But for those of you who don’t love my Grandma, here is a quick guide to where to find Gloryholes in your hometown, so that you may have anonymous sex while keeping your odds of catching Covid-19 down.

Listen, I get that every town is different, so you’ll have to transfer over names of stores. Like for example if I say Wawa, I mean a convenience store. So if you live in a fly-over state, just pretend I said Sheetz or whatever gas station/food mart you have in your area. That kind of stuff.

I should probably preface this with what a gloryhole is. I know most people who read this already know, but this website gets shared beyond my reach of normal readers, so here’s the definition of a gloryhole:

A gloryhole is the slang name for a hole located in a partition in which one’s penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio. 

It sort of looks like the hole in the door where your supposed to put the doorknob. But instead of putting the doorknob there, you put a penis. If that’s what you’re into of course.

Side note: ya know that “If you like pina coladas” song? The one about two pieces of shit who try and cheat on each other by taking ads out in news papers looking for a better lover. But then they answer each other’s ads and fall back in love. I’d love to re do that but about gloryholes. Like a married couple starts going to gloryholes and having what they think is anonymous sex, but it turns out they’re plowing each other. And they have the best sex ever and decide to see who’s on the other side of the wall. Someone please write me this song.

Anyway, back to your guide on where to find gloryholes.

Gas stations.

To be more specific, seedy looking gas stations. The worse a gas station looks the more likely you’ll be able to put your dick through a hole there or you butt up against it. Gas stations are perfect because they’re normally along truck routes, and everyone knows truckers love gloryholes. You would too if you were alone in your vehicle for ten hours a day with nothing but your own pervy thoughts.

Another great place to find a gloryhole is Home Depot.

Home Depot’s are perfect for gloryholin’ because even if there isn’t one there, you can grab the tools to make them off the shelves and then just put them right back. Easy peasy. You don’t have to worry about smuggling some tools in and possibly getting caught with them. Plus, have you ever seen the hunks that shop at Home Depot?

That’s some grade A choice beef. They should really call the place Hunk Depot.

Another terrific spot is anywhere that there are porta potties.

The great thing about porta potty gloryholes is that you can make them yourself with whatever knife you happen to have on you. Like a steak knife from Applebee’s works great. Once the hole is done, and you’ve gotten past the smell, buckle up buddy because you’re in for a good time in a porta potty.

Wawa’s are great too.

They’re super high in traffic, so odds are if you stand there flesh pressed up against a gloryhole, someone is eventually going to want to take you for a test spin.

I think I’ve given you heathens enough spots for you to safely fornicate with a wall in between you and your lover. Please be safe guys, think about my Grandma.