I’ve Decided To Move To Belarus

It comes with great deliberation that due to what’s happening in the world, that I must pack my belongings and move to the great nation of Belarus.

Sure, I love this country just as much as the next middle class white guy, but one thing has been missing from my life during this quarantine. And that’s sports and my ability to watch and gamble on them.

That’s right folks, in terms of finding a cure, which if you read this regularly you know I’m highly invested in, sports could possibly be the answer. Listen, I don’t see our president suiting up to play hockey right now, which is exactly what this guy is doing.

No face mask either, dude is as tough as nails. And not only is he tough, but he’s clearly a genius. He says that his country will have no trouble fighting off the Corona Virus as long as his citizens drink at least 50mls of vodka and spend time in the sauna. I’m pretty sure 50ml is a double shot. Maybe have two just to be safe.

Listen folks, I’m diving right into the Belarusian culture. I just bought some traditional Belarusian garbs. Here’s a picture of one of their more traditional outfits:

This is similar to the outfit I purchase. Mine is teal though. Belarusians are a flashy people, and I intend on not only fitting in, but thriving. I bought a Belarusian cook book too so I can show my new neighbors that I’m ready to embrace their culture.

What I found out was that the Belarusians are famous for jellied food. I don’t mean desserts either:

That’s aspic. Watch who you say that in front of if you’re an American though. Not trying to get stabbed. But (looks around) aspic is a dish made with jellied meat stock. This one has eggs in it. It’s usually served with a mustard. I know what you’re thinking, I too can’t wait to sink my teeth into this.

Jellied spaghettios with a hot dog tartare, another Belarusian delicacy. Muah (chefs kiss).

Another dish is Machanka, or sour mushroom soup:

So I’ll guess I’ll have to get used to eating food that looks like it was eaten already. Also ‘sour mushroom’ sounds more like an STD than it does a meal. Either way, I’ve done my research, and I’m all in on become a Belarusian citizen.

Also, they have three soccer matches on the 3rd, so get ready.

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