These are weird times, crazy times even. And crazy times call for crazy measures. Since I’m basically out of work until we get this pandemic under control which, depending on which news program or website you subscribe to, could be as early as May or as far away as September of 2025; I decided it’s probably time to make some money.

So, in an effort to stay afloat, I tried to start an OnlyFans account. If you don’t know what OnlyFans accounts are you’re clearly a better man than I am. OnlyFans is a paid subscription service where girls show their private parts to morons who pay however much a month to access it. I’m sure there are other applications to use it for, but this is all I’ve seen. Unfortunately mine has been taken down because I just kept posting non-nude videos of me sitting on the toilet recreating the big dumb ducks monologue from The Perfect Storm.

So left with no other option I’ve begun selling some things. Let’s jump right in. I will be giving price minimums, I’ll give everyone 24 hours to make your offers.

We’ve got an air conditioner unit. Maybe does heat as well. It’s all yours for a minimum of $150. Works great I’m sure.

Next we’ve got a jet ski! Who doesn’t love riding a jet ski? You literally can’t have a bad time while cruising the open ocean on this water motorcycle.

It’s a WaveRunner, which is probably a premium brand. It’s has a few hours on it, maybe a little more. Either way it probably definitely still runs. I don’t know what a jet ski normally costs, so let’s go with a minimum bid of $500. You have to come drive it away though. I’ll help you knock it in the water. The key is also gone too. So you’ll need some type of master key or you will need to be able to Hotwire this bad boy. I’m sure that’s easily enough.

Let’s keep with the theme of water-sports.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know if this is a kayak or a canoe. I think that maybe those words are interchangeable. Who knows though honestly. Either way, this kayak/canoe combo will cost you a minimum of $200. It floats great most likely.

Let’s get to our next item. Two ducks.

These are two ducks I’ll make a deal with you for. One duck is $50, I think that’s fair as this duck has the ability to swim, fly, or float. But two ducks, two ducks will run you the price of $90. What a bargain. You have to catch the duck(s) yourselves. But once you catch them (and paid) you can do whatever you want with them. Eat em, use em like pets, whatever. Once you buy them they’re all yours.

Time for a mystery item. This item has been covered for so long I can’t remember what’s underneath it. Could be a couch. Might be a pile of trumpets. That’s for you to find out.

$1,000 minimum bid for this mystery item.

On to the next item. I see a lot of people on my social media feeds starting home projects that they probably aren’t qualified to be doing. So if one of you fucks up a set of stairs, I’m your guy.

They were born as outside stairs, but I see no reason why they can’t become inside stairs if that’s what they want to be. It’s 2020 folks.

And last but not least, the largest and most expensive item of the day.

No mystery here folks, that’s a car. A Mercedes or Buick to be exact . Unfortunately I lost the keys, so you’ll have to bash the window in with a baseball bat, but don’t let that deter you, I’m almost positive that this is a working vehicle. Doesn’t come with the title unless it’s in the glove box. I’m asking for a minimum of $500. I know I could ask for more, but I’m really just trying to get rid of it.

I hope you pieces of shit do a better job of buying these items than you did donating to my Go Fund Me to help me try and traverse the globe on a jet ski. I hardly made it out of the bay.

Love you all. Stay safe and wash your fucking hands.