I love reminiscing and looking back. I’m a big time “where are they now” guy. So I decided I would do a little of my own, 90’s Edition.
The year was 1998 and MTV was hitting its stride as the best channel that wasn’t ESPN. Singled Out was still on, the Real World and Road Rules were still great. But there was one new show that was taking the world by storm, MTV’s Wanna Be A VJ competition. The field was littered with some ultra talented and charismatic hosts. And then there was Jesse.
Good ole Jesse Camp. Jesse looked like the kind, ditzy, moron in school who dressed like an asshole but was too nice for people to make fun off. Luckily I’m not that nice and I live to make fun of people.
I was positive he was a lesbian the first time I saw him. Then when he showed up without a shirt I was like, ok I guess he’s not a lesbian. But he for sure looks like he played on some type of AIDS required volleyball team.
Jesse Camp looked like a cartoon caricature of heroin. That’s it. That’s the joke. He literally looks like heroin came to life. He was the perfect example of the try hard. He would literally spend hours making himself look like he just rolled out of bed.
Where is he now?
Here Jesse is after being arrested for stealing something cheap from Home Depot before purchasing a vacuum. He also went missing for a couple of days a few years ago before turning up on a bike, just peddling down the road. Jesse went on to record dog shit music for no one in particular to listen to.
Next up did it all for the nookie folks, come on, the nookie. After rising to fame after his sister Kirsten’s success in Bring It On, Fred Durst maintained his by fame by releasing hit after hit in the band Limp Bizkit.
Known for his red backwards hat, goatee, and small penis, Fred Durst at one point was one of the most famous front men of the 90’s. Hits like Nookie, Break Stuff, and his cover of Faith kept him in the limelight for a few years. But it didn’t last forever.
Now when Fred Durst isn’t busy being an older Asian man, he can be seen directing movies like The Fanatic, starring John Travolta. Don’t get too excited though as it’s been voted one of the worst movies in recent history. John Travolta won a Razzie for Worst Actor. The film grossed $3,153, which means about 262 people saw it in theaters. I think more people worked on the film than saw it. And that’s just incredible.
Next up we’ve got my first real crush, Philadelphia’s own Topanga mother fucker Lawrence.
She had it all; the looks, the smile, the willingness to put up with a dipshit. This girl had to be destined for greatness. Oscars, Emmys, if she could sing maybe even a Tony. Her career unfortunately did not take her that way.
In her hardest and most challenging role, she played a beard for a few months.
From there she had a few more relationships before landing her current husband, white rap battle sensation Hot Karl.
He seems like a regular dude, except for the fact that his nickname means shitting on someone during sex. Either way I can’t shit on Hot Karl too much, Topanga Lawrence is still an absolute babe, and he gets to go home to her while I’ll be alone, masturbating for the 20th night in a row, shout out Covid-19.
Let’s stick with the Lawrence last name and move over to Joey (probably no relation). Joey was one of the biggest hunks of the 90’s and one of the stars of the hit TV show Blossom.
Joey had it all. He was in shape, had perfect 90’s hair, was funny, had a great penis, could work a ladder, and I’m pretty sure he could even sing. Joey at one point had it all.
What’s he doing now you ask?
When he’s not wearing preposterously deep V-neck shirts and praying people want his autograph, he walks around Beverly Hills waiting for husbands to leave for work so he can go door to door trying to sell kisses to lonely housewives.
I know I missed a lot of 90’s celebrities, so if there are people you want to see on the next one of these I make, drop a comment and let me know.
And remember folks, wash your fucking hands.