Brittney Spears Is The New Fastest Man On The Planet

Brittney Spears can now add fastest man on the planet to her long résumé that includes countless awards and a ton of accomplishments including:

Numerous Billboard awards, an AMA award, a Grammy, a slew of Guinness World Records for her songs, and the ever prestigious Nickelodeon Kids Choice award. She’s also responsible for paving the way for many more recording artists as well as thousands and thousands of my erections. I have extremely fond memories of watching her music videos on mute, while music that didn’t sound like the worlds nasal-iest doorknob played in the background.

Anyway, my girl Brittney has recently begun a journey to see just how fast see can get. And as you could guess, it didn’t take her very long to become the best. Putting up this impressive time while doing the 100 meter dash.


This is almost three and a half seconds faster than known loser Usain Bolt, who used to hold the record  at 9.58 seconds. I don’t like to shit on Olympians, but I mean come on, how low was the bar set with this doofus Bolt that Brittney Spears was able to almost cut his record in half?

Here we have a picture of two people:

One of them is the worlds fastest man and Grammy winner. The other, looks like maybe he was the 5th alternate for the bobsled team in Cool Runnings.

A lot of people are calling bullshit on her, saying there’s no way that she ran a 100M dash. I have a question for those haters. Are you willing to shave your entire body to make yourself faster? I can promise you someone is:

It’s Brittney, bitch.

This entry was posted in Steve. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s