Don’t worry this isn’t going to be like that dog shit Matt Damon movie that I made it three minutes into. This is me, Squatch Exotic, telling you I’m embarking on a journey to become the best me I could possibly be.

By now I hope you’ve either seen Tiger King or have plans too. It’s one of the weirdest documentaries I’ve seen in a very long time. It’s stars a fella by the name Joe Exotic. And no, that’s not his birth last name.

He had a zoo.

Yea, you read that right. This dipshit had a fucking zoo. With hundreds, fucking HUNDREDS of large cats. Tigers. Lions. And Ligers, which apparently are a real thing. I thought Ligers something made up from Napoleon Dynamite. Who would have thought?

Joe Exotic was just like any other red blooded midwestern American. He loved his tigers, his guns, and his two husbands.

And much like every other red blooded American, he was willing to fight for what he believed in. Which is why he tried to pay to have a lady he didn’t like killed. I mean, who hasn’t done that.

So learning from Joe Exotics mistakes, I think I have what it takes to open my own zoo. Knowing that the world isn’t big enough for two Tiger Kings, I decided to go with a bigger, more dangerous animals. I am The Hippo King. Since I don’t know anyone who sells animals, I had to do some internetting.

I hopped on Craigslist Kenya but much to my dismay, nothing came up. So I kept searching.

I couldn’t find answers anyway. And trust me, I looked everywhere. So if anyone knows where I can find some hippos that would be awesome. I live on a lagoon too, so there’s plenty of water for the hippos to fuck around in.

Please guys make this dream become a reality.

Love always,

Squatch Exotic “The Hippo King”