Mangia! Mangia!

For those of you who weren’t lucky enough to grow up with uncles who exclusively talk with their hands, that’s Italian for “Eat! Eat!”

I grew up in an incredibly Italian family. We had pasta multiple times a week. At least seven fishes every Christmas Eve. And a few relatives who own waste management companies who gave out wads of cash for every birthday.

So when I saw Burger King was unveiling some new tasty Italian treats I knew it would be a fun way to ensure that I keep my diarrhea streak intact. So after doing maybe 60 seconds of research I found that they had three different chicken parmesan sandwiches.

The grilled chicken parm (for those of you trying to eat healthy), crispy chicken parm (for the traditional folks), and spicy crispy chicken parm (for those of you who like a little ring sting).

Here are they are (from Burger Kings website):

I’ll be honest, they don’t look half bad. Three layers of sauce, some mozzarella (mootz-ah-dell-uh) slices, freshly shaved parmesan, grilled-crispy- and spicy chicken, and an oddly perfect bun. Not mad at it. So I went to my local Burger King and asked for all of their chicken parm sandwiches.

I was immediately met with a, “really?” This was slightly disheartening. But still, I ordered them anyway. And a chocolate milkshake. Gotta treat yourself every now and then. You’re worth it too.

So here they are:

Now, that sure does look a little different than the ones in the picture. Let’s start with the regular crispy one.

The bun is honestly the nicest looking part of this whole thing. Let’s check for sauce.

Now I don’t want to be vulgar, but it looks like someone used the bun as a maxi pad. That was a disgusting thing to write, but remember, I didn’t want to be vulgar, the Burger King made me. I smelled the sauce first to make sure it didn’t smell like nickels. It didn’t, so I put it back together and took a bite.

The sauce tastes like someone farted into a can of Chef Boyardee, put a lid on it, and then let it roast in the sun all day. The cheese was dry and had a plastic/rubber taste to it.

The spicy one had even less sauce and tasted and smelled like someone dragged an old hot pepper across, adding just heat and zero flavor.

The grilled one had the best sauce coverage, which after tasting the sauce I can’t confirm is a good thing. The chicken tasted like biting into a rubber dildo, which I’ve definitely never done before so I’m not sure why I’m comparing it to that.

This might be the worst thing I’ve ever tried to eat. I’d take a million of those 7/11 hot dogs over one more bite of this. If you eat these sandwiches by choice, you might be a bigger piece of shit than I am.

This is shockingly bad. Like it’s impressive. At least try a little bit for me BK. And for these dog shit sandwiches, it gets my lowest score yet, .69 out of 11.

I would rather watch a video of my parents conceiving me than take another bite.