I love creating new things I’m never going to keep up with.

There’s a ton of funny shit that I see online (most of which I’m tagged in by people-so thanks), that I want to comment on, and I guess I could on Twitter, but this seems like a better place to really talk about it.

Because that’s what I’m here to do: yell my super weird thoughts into the nothingness that is the internet.

Anyway, let’s jump right in:

1. Call me Prankie Valli

I’ll be honest. I’ve been trying to get my guy friends to fool around with me in public for years. Mostly because I’ve got really hot friends. But also because I think it would startle a lot of people to see two guys who they know aren’t gay, just sort of fooling around. Maybe just wrestling. Plus, you know, holes is holes baby.

2. Shrimping Ain’t Easy

This is one hundred percent going to be on the menu at Coachella next year. Cocaine Shrimp over a bed of quinoa with micro greens, a saffron nage and an acacia compote. For $127 a serving, it’ll be a steal next to the vegan grilled cheese stand and someone who is clearly selling Molly.

But honestly, I fucking love shrimp. And really the only thing that could possibly make them better is cocaine. So like, I don’t care about how the cocaine got in the shrimp, I just want to know what an 8-ball of cocaine shrimp are going to run me.

3.

The nice thing is, after you’re done drinking your salty coffee, you’re left with a nice warm fleshlight to throw one in, not mad at that fellas! And don’t worry about cleaning it out when you’re done, hot coffee is gonna go right back in there tomorrow, the warm temperature should cook off all the jizz. I hope you like cream in your coffee.

4. OK, I had to make this myself, so I technically didn’t find it on the Internet but…

Here is a picture of McCaulky Caulken and Kid Rock. Which one is which? I honestly don’t know. If you told them 15 years ago that in 15 years they would both look alike they’d both probably get really mad and think that you’re insulting them. But here we are. The similarities are uncanny. They both look like someone who would use a coupon at Little Caesars.

That feels like it’s enough internet for the day.