It’s Christmas time in Hollis Queens, moms cooking chicken and collard greens, rice stuffing macaroni and cheese and Santa put gifts under the Christmas tree. 

If you don’t recognize those lyrics you’re missing out on Run DMC’s terrific holiday hit:

If that doesn’t make you want to make sweet love under the mistletoe, I truthfully don’t know what will.

I’m a big fan of the holidays, Christmas in particular because I’m not Jewish. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was, but alas I’m not chosen. So for me, Christmas eve is the big holiday. My whole family gets together. Aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, grandparents, parents, siblings, I think that covers just about all of them. Oh and pets. So everybody comes together, we eat like gluttonous rich folk, drink good wine and scotch and reminisce on old times. It’s the best. Or if you’re family sucks on ice, it’s probably the worst. Anyway, here are some of my favorite traditions to getting through the holidays.

ScotchSquatch Christmas Traditions/Tips (and some random backstories):

–This first one isn’t just a Christmas tradition, feel free to use it whenever you go to someone’s house… Cause an argument over the toilet paper. There isn’t a weirder and funnier thing you can do that causes both disgust and anger. I was once at a weekend long BBQ in upstate New York, no big deal, I’m a bit of a world traveler. So this dude walks out of the bathroom drunk as I was arriving and was like, “Bro, you see the TP here, fucking Scotts single ply bullshit, what the fuck is Paul trying to do here? Dude’s a lawyer.”

Immediately seeing the humor in this I began riling him up, telling him how preposterous this is and insulting it was to degrade friends to using single ply. So this drunk idiot runs up to Paul, who was with a group of people and began shouting about how he shouldn’t have to wipe with this garbage. People looked on with horror as this drunken idiot yelled and yelled about how he was inconvenienced while taking a shit… in someone else’s home. I immediately joined in. “Tell Paul how you kept pushing through the paper and you got shit on your hands and subsequently everything in the bathroom.”

This has become sort of a tradition of mine whenever I go anywhere that isn’t my house. I could be wiping my ass with 1800 thread count bed sheets and it doesn’t matter, I’m still going to say something.

-I’m not going to recommend doing this next one as an adult, but if for whatever reason you’re reading this website as a child, wait until no one is in the room and then pull the Christmas tree down. Sure, this is a real scumbag move, and you shouldn’t do it too often. But as a kid it was one of my favorites. Just walk up to the tree when no one is looking grab a branch, and tug. Super easy. Blame it on the dog, the shitty cat, or your fatso cousin with the fruit punch stained upper lip. I stopped doing this when I was maybe 12 after I got caught going back to the well twice in one night. Rookie move. I got greedy and paid the price for it. But at least once a year, no matter where I was, I’d find a way to pull the tree down and blame it on someone/something else. One of the things that make it so funny is you’re only going to decorate the tree perfect once. Once you’ve got to decorate it for the second time it’s going to look like dog shit because you’re just throwing everything back up.

Fuck. Looking back on it I know realize how terrible of a child I really was. Oh well. Moving on… Little bonus life pro tip here: Never spend too much time focusing on the terrible things you’ve done in the past. Instead, focus on all the great things you could maybe possibly do one day if you have enough time.

– If you can’t afford gifts or you forgot it was Christmas, just pack something from your house. Fun little fact, I once gave someone my rubber fist/arm and told them it was a watch holder. Or you can even make something. Women love jewelry and homemade gifts. Maybe combine the two and make that special lady of yours a macaroni necklace.

– I’m never going to advocate that anyone else should abuse drugs or alcohol, but if you can handle it, eat a weed edible half hour before arriving. By the time you’re done saying all of the important hellos the high should hit you nicely and you’ll be able to sit there and listen to your Uncle Chizz talk about all the babes he made it to second base with when his band came in fourth at the bowling alley battle of the bands.

Hopefully with these helpful tips you’ll be able to make this Christmas season great. Love you folks.

And remember, when the cops come busting down your door because your cousin Eddie kidnapped your boss, just remember, grab Chevy Chase’s wrench, it’ll make you feel safe.

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