The Ban On Plastic Bags: Is The Environment Worth It: An Investigative Report

Let me just start with a quick fact about me, it took me six tries to spell “Environment” before I had to yell it into my phone. Thank you Siri.

Yesterday when I was checking out at the grocery store I found out the hard way that a town-wide ban of plastic bags had gone into effect. Now, sure, I had been hearing this was happening for months, but I had just assumed I would be dead by the time it was in full effect. But alas, here I am, alive and sort of well.

Now, how long is this going to last for because to be honest, this is going to be a moderate inconvenience for me. I am going to have to make MULTIPLE trips from the car to the kitchen now because the paper bags my local supermarket has are the one’s without handles. That’s some real poor people shit. How hard is it to attach a handle to a paper bag? There are 12 year olds in Taiwan sewing Nikes and building Iphones but no one in America can spend all day attaching handles to brown paper bags? The American dream might be dead.

Now sure, I can go out and buy those reusable bags and carry a million of those at a time because I’m sure they have handles… but, and this is a big but, the problem with that is I’m a fucking idiot and I’m never going to remember to bring them with me. I’m going to bring them in the house the first time I fill them up and they are going to live there forever. There’s no way around this, so don’t send any suggestions my way like that dipshit who got mad at me when I said we should ban condoms instead of plastic straws. Hey lady, if you’re reading this, suck my dick you corn husker, Nebraska is for losers.

Also, I’m pretty sure Mars is livable now- so we don’t even really need Earth anymore. I’m pretty sure the nerds at NASA and that cuck Elon Musk sent some rocket there loaded with supplies like in that Matt Damon movie. We can even grow potatoes in diarrhea the same way Matt Damon did, no big deal. Fucking love that guy.

I totally one hundred percent trust that Elon Musk is going to be able to get us, as a species to Mars, relatively soon too. I recently found out that Elon Musk wasn’t a virgin. So if that guy can convince someone to have sex with him, he can one hundred percent get us to colonize Mars.

So that being said, I think we should go back to using plastic bags.

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