My god, what a time to be alive.

Everyone who knows me knows I’m a big Titanic guy. I’ve seen the movie a billion times. And I’m sure I’ll see it a billion more. To be honest, as soon as I found out about the Titanic II: Electric Boogaloo, I put the movie on. I’m literally watching it right now. Rose’s mom just told Rose to stop being a bitch and to keep fucking Billy Zane so she doesn’t have to be a loser poor person. Billy Zane plays such a good prick. He was also Match in the Back to The Future movies. People forget that.

So the Titanic II is set to embark on the original journey sometime in 2022 and if I’m not on that boat, I’m going to kill myself. I don’t mean to be dramatic but my life will not be worth living if I’m not on that boat. If I don’t get to be on that grand staircase in a tuxedo with a total babe next to me, I will… well I don’t know what I’ll do. But I promise one thing, I’ll be unbearable to be around.

There will be a first, second and third class on that boat and if you think I’m going to be anywhere but first class, you’re a bigger idiot than I am. While I find Jack Dawson’s character to be far more relatable, I don’t want to sleep in bunk beds. Sure, I think I could start in third class and seduce my way to first much like Jack Dawson did, but I’d rather spend my time watching the dolphins swim next to the boat. Or getting black out drunk and screaming that I am indeed king of the world while pissing off the front of the boat.

I only have one real problem with the updating of the ship. In their press release they promise to have enough life boats for everyone. I absolutely hate this. If you’re going to go on a boat modeled after one of the worlds greatest disasters you should be willing to accept that there’s a reasonable chance that you’ll die. Fair is fair.

Also as bad as I want this boat to hit an iceberg so I can relive the movie, I know it’s not going to happen. There would still need to be icebergs left for this to happen.