Merry Christmas Assholes

It has been a truly wonderful year here at TheScotchsquatch dot com. Sure there have been ups and downs, but what website hasn’t had it’s fair share of controversy? I’d like to shed some light on some of my ups and downs that you might not be aware of as well as rant a little bit about some weird shit. But first off, let me tell you about my Christmas.

Right now I’m pretty drunk and sitting on my couch watching football. The Steelers and the Texans are playing right now and I’ve put enough money on this game that I’ll probably give myself stress induced hemorrhoids while I watch. I’ve carefully managed to avoid having to do an actual Christmas this year. My family thinks I’m having some kind of friend holiday, but I’m not. In reality I just wanted to watch football and drink all day. Sure I have pretty much done this every Sunday for the past few years, but doing it on Christmas just seemed extra special. Also, I’ve been craving Chinese food-which should be here soon- so I figured I would Jewish it up for one year. And let me tell you, not doing something on a day you are supposed to do a ton of shit feels absolutely incredible. It feels better than canceling plans to sit around and do nothing- which up until now has been in a close tie with orgasming real hard.

Here’s a fun downer: That time my advertisers almost fired me for publishing a blog where I referred to Gaten Matarazzo (Stranger Things) as mildly fuckable to very fuckable in the eyes of most pedophiles. Obviously I’m not a pedophile, my love for older women is pretty well documented, I honestly just thought it was just a funny joke. Little did I know that this kid is real life crank bait for perverts everywhere. I guess my innocent naivety just got the best of me.

Time for a pick me up: My advertisers reimbursed me for my scumbag marathon challenge even though I failed at it by like seven beers or whatever. I sent them the receipts and they sent me a check. I literally got to drink and act like a scumbag for free for an entire day. And people say America isn’t the greatest country anymore pffftt, I don’t see anyone from Iraq doing this.

The Steelers covered the 9 point spread, so guess who’s eating dinner every night this week? This guy! Also, no stress induced hemorrhoids which is pretty dope. I can’t imagine not being able to blast farts out with reckless abandon if I thought there was a possibility of getting my jeans all bloody.

Oh and remember when I wrote about how Mario Batali was a scumbag last week? Sure you do, anyway he finally issued a heartfelt apology and in true Molto Mario fashion at the very end of it he gave us a recipe for some Christmas cookies. So I just wanted to issue an apology to him for being so hard on him. Sure, you acted like a scumbag and harassed women, but when it all comes down to it you just want us to eat delicious cookies. All is forgiven.

But seriously, Jesus Christ, how delusional do you have to be to give a cookie recipe at the end of an apology for harassing women? When I first read it I was positive it was a joke, but alas it wasn’t.

That’s it for now, my head hurts and I’ve been drinking since 10:30 this morning. Merry Christmas assholes.

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