This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love it when droves of people try and better themselves for the first few weeks of every year for Facebook and Instagram likes. Why would you announce that you’re signing up for the gym? Now when people see you they’re going to expect you to look thinner so even if you do manage to shed some holiday weight they won’t even notice. Every now and then I’ll work out for a few weeks at a time. I tell no one. And let me tell you, all of those compliments feel so good. Not as good as McDonald’s and beer taste, but whatever. Either way, here are my 2018 New Years Resolutions:

I want to get better at holding grudges. If you’ve ever wronged me in the past you probably realized pretty quickly that I let it bother me for maybe thirty seconds. I just can’t seem to hold a grudge for the life of me. But when I see all these people whether it be online or in person being spiteful and vengeful it looks like so much fun. I’d love to really get spiteful with someone this calendar year. That would be awesome.

I’m going to try and get better at taking naps. As of right now, January 2nd, the year 2018 of our Lord, I cannot nap for shit. I try all the time and I usually just ending up jerking off and then taking a shower. I’d love to be able to just sit down in the middle of the day and close my eyes and catch a few ZZZ’s. When I’m drunk I take naps all the time, they’re called power black outs, but sober, I just don’t have the tenacity to dig deep and put myself to sleep at two in the afternoon.

I think trying a new drug this year could be fun. Now I’m not saying I’m going to go out and buy heroin or anything crazy like that. But if some bath salts were to find their way to me, I wouldn’t be entirely upset about it. I don’t know exactly what angel dust is, but it sounds like it could be a cute way to spend an afternoon. Maybe go to Bed Bath and Beyond, but some new pillows, maybe a throw rug, and then do some angel dust.

I’ll be trying to get better at sex this year. I’ve been having sex since I was 14 and I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten better at it. It’s something I do pretty frequently (humble brag), but I’m just honestly not getting any better at. If someone (preferably a woman) wants to teach me how to get better at sex, that would be great. I can pay you in fun banter, whatever scotch is left over after I’ve had my required amount, and I don’t know- cab fare maybe? Either way I promise it will be a good time. And it won’t even take that long, stop by on your lunch break!

I’d like to learn a new language good enough so I can mock people with it. I’ve mocked people in English just about every way imaginable. I’ve also dabbled in mocking people in Spanish, but still some of my mocking falls short. I’d love to be able to step my mocking up a few notches in that department. But why stop there? Italian? Sure, I’d love to mock some guys in my favorite Italian restaurant or even my local deli. I’m constantly ordering Chinese food too, I’d love to fire back at the woman when she’s yelling at me on the phone for not talking loud enough. Also whatever language the lady who does my pedicures yells at me in- I’d like to give her some guff too. She seems like a real piece of shit.

I need a new phone. This will hopefully be one of my New Years Resolutions that I actually accomplish since my phone has gone to shit lately. Fucking Apple. My phone does this new awesome thing where the screen looks like Michael J Fox is holding it for a few seconds. It makes typing on it a ton of fun. Love it.

I’d like to launch a new career as a burglar. Now, I don’t really want to steal your shit- so I’ll probably just move it to your neighbors house when they aren’t home to make it awkward between you two. Mostly I just want to introduce myself at dinner parties as a burglar. Imagine hearing, “Oh, what is it that you do?” and getting to respond with, “Me? Oh I’m a burglar. Nothing major, usually just houses, sometimes an apartment or two.” That would make awesome conversation.

I’d like to have a six pack. How nice would that be? A nice firm, delicious, cold, six pack of beer. Just six of them, nothing more. Just enough to get a real nice buzz with dinner. I’m hoping to accomplish this resolution before they liquor store closes. Wish me luck.

Now if you see me out, please ask me about my resolutions. It’s the only way to keep me honest.