On Sunday I Attempted The Scumbag Marathon

Great people will overcome great obstacles. That’s just the way life goes. Great people will always rise up and do great things.

Richard Branson (dyslexic), Oprah (teen mom/weight issues), Jim Carrey (homeless), Michael J Fox (born back in time), Mozart (born without ears), The Dhali Llamma (born only with a robe), Tom Cruise (born a creepy little fuck), Malcom X (racism), the Scotchsquatch (attempted a scumbag marathon) all of these people faced tremendous obstacles but still managed to overcome them and do great things. Yes, I included myself, but it’s only because I faced great odds on Sunday, and while I ultimately failed, I tried my absolute best and that should honestly be good enough for you people.

I planned on not drinking the night before and getting a good night sleep. So obviously I had a party at my house the night before and was up until 4am drinking. Because that’s what responsibility looks like.

The next day started with me waking up promptly at 11am and running to the liquor store. I threw two bottles of champagne, two 40’s of Steel Reserve, and a thirty pack of Miller High life into my cart and stormed out of the store hungover and ready for a day of punishing my liver and reminding everyone around me why I’m still single at 30 years old.

The mimosas were a real treat. Usually I’ll put a little dollop of vodka in there and make it into what I call a Presidental, but obviously I didn’t do that today. I’m not an idiot. First champagne bottle went down within the first ten minutes. At what some people would call a dangerous pace. The second bottle went down a little bit slower as I immediately felt full after finishing the first bottle. But much like the people I listed before, I overcame this obstacle and had both bottles of champagne finished by noon. It was time for the 40’s. But first, it was time for a snack.

Luckily I had a friend still hanging out from the party the night before who agreed to eat some raw ramen with me. To be honest I’m not sure what prompted us to eat this. But it was pretty horrifying. It was exactly as shitty as it looks.

She impressively ate a few bites of it, but her biggest contribution by far was when I asked for dipping sauce and she proceeded to pour the flavor packet on my dry ramen. It was a bold move, but I think it paid off as I was able to eat a little bit faster with the flavor powder added. The best part of eating it was I was incredibly thirsty afterwards and I managed to drink almost an entire 40 trying to rehydrate myself. The worst part of eating it was trying to swallow it and it getting stuck in my throat. It made me gag pretty hard.

Finishing both 40’s was by far the hardest part of the entire challenge, Steel Reserve tastes like dog shit. I’m much more of an Olde English guy myself, but since the town I live in is predominantly full of white people, there are literally no other choices. It’s horseshit, but whatever, I made do. Once again, overcoming adversity. No big deal.

This is when my friends stopped by with this lesbian Mom wig that they kept calling The Deb. Here I am with The Deb on as I finish my last 40. As you can tell, The Deb is in pretty rough shape after a night out at the bar and if we’re being honest so am I:


[SIDE NOTE: Apparently The Deb has an Instagram, @thedeb1117]

There’s a pretty good glare in this picture, so you’re welcome. Also, judging by the dumb fucking look on my face, the marathon is already getting the better of me. Shortly after this picture was taken, I finished the second and final 40. Around this time I smoked a blunt, took my friends phone and decided to do a little bit of Tindering:

There were a few others, but I don’t know how I feel about putting 9/11 jokes on this website yet. That’s a tough look, a real tough look. But anyway, as you can see, I was pretty productive. I’m kind of bummed I forgot to record all the Valli Blasting that took place that day.

Oh yea, Valli Blasting, let me explain it real quick. It’s an ongoing challenge that I created last week. So if you’re playing you have to agree to the rules at all times-no matter what, if someone calls you out and challenges you to do a Valli Blast and you don’t, you owe them a bottle of liquor. So everyone knows who Frankie Valli is, if you don’t you’re probably an idiot. But so he’s known for having this wild high pitched falsetto voice. I’m pretty sure no one else can sing like him, but I’ll tell you what, it sure is fun to try. So when someone calls you out or challenges you to Valli Blast, you’ve gotta stop what you’re doing and do your best Frankie Valli impression. It’s time to act like a tiny Italian who sings like a girl.

By now night had fallen and I was about 15 beers into the thirty pack when I hit the wall like Dale Earnhardt. I needed food. I needed more food bad. All I’ve had so far is dry ramen noodles. So obviously I need something of real substance. I know the challenge called for pizza, but I don’t think I was capable of ordering food or handling money at this point. So here’s what we did:

That’s right, I ate more uncooked ramen like a fucking idiot. It’s for this I blame my downfall.

Everyone knows I’m a big time excuse guy, so obviously I’ve got a whole bunch lined up for this. The blame goes to me not eating like a human/no one drinking with me consistently all day/and if we’re being honest, terrorism. Terrorism is always in the back of my mind, gotta always be alert-always be watching and ready. I think that if I peppered some food in throughout the day I could have accomplished this no problem. Also, I didn’t drink anything that didn’t have alcohol in it all day long so besides having nothing in my stomach to help combat the alcohol, I was also pretty dehydrated.

It was sometime after I finished my second helping of ramen when I finally fell asleep.

I, the Scotchsquatch, have failed. But like most of my failures in life, I can think of like twenty people I could blame for this.

Final recap:

Two Champagne bottles, two 40’s, 20ish beers, a blunt, two uncooked slabs of ramen, and one failed masturbation session that to be honest, I’m not ready to talk about yet. But mostly because I only have a hint of a memory of being upstairs in my room and ripping at my soft dick for like 10 minutes before going back downstairs and telling no one about what I had just done. And probably not washing my hand afterwards either.

I will do this challenge again under better circumstances: a full night of sleep leading up to it and way more food and way less ramen.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement from everyone, I’m sorry to all of the people that I have I let down.

Side Note: Shout out to my advertisers for paying for me to act like a scumbag all day. You guys are the real heroes.

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2 Responses to On Sunday I Attempted The Scumbag Marathon

  1. Frankie Valli says:

    You are a real piece turn corn…. SOD

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