So I really want to blog about the hit Netflix show Stranger Things because everyone else is. The only problem is I’ve never actually watched it. My roommates have watched it, so I’ve been in the room while it’s on, but instead of watching it I usually chose to use my time a little more wisely. Like by sending mean tweets to fast food restaurants and playing with my dick and balls. Above the pants mostly, I know the rules.

So let’s get it popping. The show takes place sometime before the 1990’s. I know this because of all the pubes in the show. And it’s starring a few children. Lets meet the cast.

Lets start with the cute one:

This might be the cutest kid on the planet. I don’t know what his name is, but he’s got luscious curly hair and a real cool speech impediment. I don’t know if he has teeth. But whatever, kids still cute as a button.

Next is that weirdo little skinny kid who looks like the girl from the Shining. For real though, take a look:

This guy has a real Sheldon Cooper vibe about him. And by that I mean I hate his face. Moving on.

I’m just gonna say it, every good cast has a cool black guy, and this one is no exception:

I’m sure he says cool guy stuff throughout the entire show.

And now for Winona Ryder’s character, who I refer to in my mind as StinkMom:

Does she spend the entire show not brushing her hair or washing herself? I’ve never been able to smell someone through a television screen until now. Terrible hair, stink mom coffee breathe, and what I assume is a completely unwashed anus- that is Winona Ryder in this show.

Now for the one named after a number, the magician witch:

I think her name is 9/11 or something because she’s never to be forgotten. She’s some kind of demon witch or something, but she isn’t evil. All the adults just think she is and they lock her away in some dungeon or whatever until she magics her way out.

The show is a real coming of age tale about what kids used to do before video games and the internet- battle monsters. I wish there was a TV show about what it was like when I was 12. It’d just be me finding porn magazines in the woods and rubbing my mule through my sweatpants while my friends pretended not to watch.

So watch the show, don’t watch the show, I don’t give a shit. Just know that Winona Ryder didn’t shower throughout all of filming.