A Scumbags Guide to Halloween Week

Yea, obviously I’m a little late on this, but whatever.

It should be absolutely no surprise to you if you’ve been reading this thing for a while, that growing up I was a pretty big piece of shit.

Now I’m not going to say that I took part in all of these activities, because I know a thing or two about the law and that’d be bragging about committing crime. Which I think gets you twice the jail time. But lets just say some of these are just some fun ideas.

Obviously you can just go out with some toilet paper and eggs and get real wild. But that’s not making memories. That’s low level amateur vandalism. Now, you’re gonna want to bring some toilet paper with you, but it’s gonna serve a much more conventional purpose. The day before mischief night you’re gonna want to sneak into your moms medicine cabinet and drink all of her Metamucil. Don’t bother looking it up, basically it’s just shit fuel. I don’t know why your mom needs it, but just respect that she has it and it’s going to help you make memories with your friends.

You’re also gonna need a few cuts of rope. All different sizes. Why? You saw Boondock Saints right? You always need the rope.

You’re gonna need some friends too. Dust the Dorito crumbs off your fingers and get out side and grab your friends. Doing this by yourself isn’t making memories, it’s committing a crime. Don’t be a fucking loser.

Alright so you’ve taken your mom’s shit pills, you’ve got the TP, and you found some friends who are down to do something stupid. The next part is easy. Just start walking the neighborhood. Not your neighborhood obviously. Everyone on your block knows you’re a scumbag, you’re gonna have to go a few blocks over. Maybe find a block someone in your class lives on, so you can hear them talking about how their father had to hose diarrhea off the porch Halloween morning.

You’re going to want a house where they have a front porch with bannisters near the door. You’re going to take that rope and tie one end to the doorknob and the other end to the bannister. It’s going to need to be extremely tight. No room for error. You don’t want to get the shit kicked out of you by some drunken father who just watched you shit on his porch.

So the rope is tied, the knots have all been checked (every good group of friends has to have a guy who knows how to tie knots- this is a must). By now your mom’s shit pills should really be kicking and you’ve probably been farting quite a bit. Time to pull those elastic waisted jean shorts down and start shitting on this guys porch. While this is happening have another friend start blasting the door bell. This should startle everyone in the house into coming to the front door to watch the shit fly out of your asshole through the little window next to the door.

The father is obviously going to try and open the door. And what do you know, the rope is working. His anger grows as he tries to get the door open to stop the shit. Now, this isn’t the time to start congratulating each other on a prank well done. He’s quickly going to remember the garage. So as soon as you see the looks on their faces, give it one good wipe, maybe two if you have the time, and start running. Don’t even worry about your pants- you’re quicker without them. You’re gonna want to hide out in the woods for a good hour or so because they for sure called the cops.

Now, if you time it right you should be able to shit on three to five houses depending on what you’ve eaten that day. This is also especially helpful as it clears out your stomach entirely for Halloween.


Now, it’s the big day, mother fucking Halloween. You and your friends all meet up after school so you can hit all the houses that you know give the good shit every year and the houses you know that just leave a bowl out like idiots.

halloween candy

Some people say it’s a dick move dumping the whole thing in your bag, but what do they teach you in school? The early bird gets the worm. You’re just tryna get that worm. Honestly, don’t stop at the candy, take the bowl too. Maybe take a few decorations off the porch too. These people need to be taught a lesson in trust.

That’s really the only tip I have on Halloween. I was much more of a fan of stealing my sisters candy than I was walking around the neighborhood like an idiot. Especially the night after you just shit on someone’s porch. Doesn’t seem like a smart idea.


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