This is hard for me. I love Taco Bell way more than any thirty year old should. Chalupas. Taco style burritos. Nachos Bell Grande. Cheesey Gordita Crunchs. They have all gotten me through many a tough times. Sometimes you have four dollars in your bank account and you want to eat eleven tacos. And who was there for you? Taco Bell, every time.

Now I’ve been a fan of most things they have done. That fried chicken taco? Loved it! The Dorito taco? Loved it! Fritos burrito? Loved it! But this, this fucking fried egg shell taco might be the biggest horse shit thing they have ever done.

Look at that! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I’ve put many terrible things in my mouth and I can promise, this will never be one of them. This is their promo picture of it and look how shitty it looks. Can you imagine what the actual taco is going to look like? Here, you don’t have to imagine, that is what I’m here for. Take a little looksee:

If you put this in your mouth you are an absolute garbage person and you need to lose my phone number. Seriously, your mouth is going to be with you for your entire life, why would you want to put it though something like this? I’d rather take a fist to my mouth than this foccitia [fuh-cotch-ta] egg taco.

I eat eggs all the time, but I’m never going to actually hold a cooked one in my hands, I’m not a lunatic. Let’s think about what an egg is. The white, I’m pretty sure it’s bird cum. Like it’s gotta be right? Then the yolk is whatever ovaries make, eggs? I know it sounds stupid, but that’s only because I am. And I’m totally serious, can someone please breakdown the parts on the egg to me? And don’t tell me to Google it. Googling stuff is for nerds and people who care about being right and wrong. I talk from my heart. And that’s better and more efficient than Google will ever be.